DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 2

Mishlei (Proverbs) chapter 16

Today we are walking in: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 2

Mishlei (Proverbs) 16:32

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules H4910 his spirit than he that takes a city.

RULE

Today we look to the word—RULE—H4910—mashal—to rule, have dominion, govern, exercise authority, or have mastery. It carries the understanding of governing what has been placed under your authority rather than allowing it to govern you.

The Torah Testifies……….

Bereshiyth (Genesis) 4:7

If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lies at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule H4910 over him.

Bereshiyth (Genesis) 45:8

So now it was not you that sent me hither, but Elohiym: and He hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and adon of all his house, and a ruler H4910 throughout all the land of Mitsrayim.

The Prophets Proclaim………

Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 52:7

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that brings good tidings, that publishes peace; that brings good tidings of good, that publishes salvation; that says unto Tsiyon, Thy Elohiym reigns H4427.

Miykah (Micah) 5:2

But thou, Beyt Lechem Ephrathah, though thou be little among the thousands of Yahudah, yet out of thee shall He come forth unto Me that is to be ruler H4910 in Yashar’el; whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting.

The Writings Witness………

Mishlei (Proverbs) 16:32

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules H4910 his spirit than he that takes a city.

Mishlei (Proverbs) 25:28

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

One of the greatest battles a person will ever fight is the battle within.

Many people lose opportunities, relationships, peace, and even momentum in their purpose, not because they were incapable, but because they never learned how to govern their emotions.

They allowed anger to speak.

They allowed offense to decide.

They allowed frustration to take control.

They allowed fear to become a leader.

And once emotion becomes the ruler, wisdom often gets pushed out of the room.

Write this down:

Emotions are real, but they were never designed to become my master.

TRUE STRENGTH IS SELF-GOVERNMENT

Mishlei 16:32 says:

“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules his spirit than he that takes a city.”

Think about that.

Scripture compares emotional self-government to conquering a city and says the person who can rule his own spirit possesses greater strength.

That means YAHUAH does not measure strength only by what you can conquer externally.

He also looks at whether you can govern what is happening internally.

Can you be insulted without losing control?

Can you be misunderstood without becoming reckless?

Can you be frustrated without saying everything you feel?

Can you be angry without allowing anger to become sin?

Can you receive correction without immediately becoming defensive?

Can you endure provocation without handing someone else control over your behavior?

That is strength.

EMOTIONS ARE NOT THE ENEMY

Emotions themselves are not evil.

YAHUAH gave us the ability to feel.

Joy matters.

Grief matters.

Anger can alert us that something is wrong.

Fear can alert us to danger.

Compassion moves us toward people.

Sadness reveals loss.

Emotions provide information.

But information is not always instruction.

Write this down:

My emotions can inform me without governing me.

You can acknowledge:

“I am angry.”

Without deciding:

“Therefore, I must lash out.”

You can acknowledge:

“I am hurt.”

Without deciding:

“Therefore, I must hurt somebody else.”

You can acknowledge:

“I am afraid.”

Without deciding:

“Therefore, I cannot move.”

You can feel deeply and still respond wisely.

DIFFICULT PEOPLE WILL TEST WHAT RULES YOU

One of the greatest tests of maturity is how you handle people who frustrate, oppose, insult, betray, or offend you.

Anyone can appear calm when everyone is cooperative.

Anyone can appear patient when nobody challenges them.

Anyone can appear forgiving when nobody has wounded them.

But pressure reveals what has actually been developed inside.

Write this down:

Pressure does not always create what is inside me. Sometimes it reveals it.

Difficult people expose areas where patience still needs growth.

They expose insecurity.

They expose pride.

They expose the need for approval.

They expose unresolved anger.

They expose whether you actually have self-control or whether you have simply never been tested.

LOOK AT YAHUSHA’S RESPONSE

Yahusha demonstrated extraordinary emotional mastery.

He was betrayed by Yahudah, one of His own disciples.

He was falsely accused.

He was mocked.

He was struck.

He was humiliated.

He was brought before Pilate.

He was crucified by people He came to save.

Yet He never allowed emotion to replace obedience.

He did not lose His assignment because of betrayal.

He did not abandon His character because people treated Him unjustly.

He did not become what they accused Him of being.

Even from the cross, He said:

“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” — Luqas (Luke) 23:34

Write this down:

My greatest power is not controlling how people treat me. It is refusing to let their treatment control who I become.

RESPOND—DON’T REACT

There is a major difference between reaction and response.

Reaction is immediate.

Reaction is impulsive.

Reaction is often emotional.

Reaction says:

“You hurt me, so I will hurt you.”

“You raised your voice, so I will raise mine.”

“You embarrassed me, so I will embarrass you.”

“You ignored me, so now I will punish you.”

Response is different.

Response creates space.

Response says:

“Let me think.”

“Let me pray.”

“Let me decide whether this deserves an answer.”

“Let me determine what wisdom requires.”

Write this down:

Reaction gives the moment control. Response brings the moment under wisdom.

THE ENEMY USES PROVOCATION

The enemy understands something.

If he cannot stop you directly, sometimes he will attempt to provoke you into stopping yourself.

If he can make you angry enough, maybe you will say something that damages a relationship.

If he can make you offended enough, maybe you will walk away from something YAHUAH told you to remain faithful to.

If he can make you insecure enough, maybe you will quit.

If he can make you bitter enough, maybe your prayer life will suffer.

If he can make you impulsive enough, maybe you will make one decision that creates months of consequences.

Write this down:

Provocation is dangerous when it convinces me to abandon wisdom.

The difficult person may not even realize how deeply their behavior is affecting you.

But if you hand them control of your emotions, you give them influence over your decisions.

DO NOT GIVE SOMEONE ELSE THE REMOTE CONTROL

Think of your emotions like a television.

Who has the remote?

Can somebody press one button and immediately make you angry?

Can one comment ruin your entire day?

Can one person’s attitude determine whether you have peace?

Can one text send you into hours of overthinking?

If so, they have too much access.

Write this down:

No human being should have unrestricted access to the controls of my inner life.

That does not mean become numb.

It means become governed.

PAUSE BEFORE YOU RESPOND

One of the most powerful disciplines in dealing with difficult people is learning to pause.

Ya’aqov (James) 1:19 says:

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

Notice the order.

Quick to hear.

Slow to speak.

Slow to anger.

Not quick to defend.

Quick to hear.

Not quick to retaliate.

Slow to speak.

Not quick to rage.

Slow to wrath.

Write this down:

A pause can protect me from consequences an impulse would create.

Sometimes ten seconds of silence can save ten years of regret.

Sometimes the wisest thing you can say is:

“I need a moment.”

Sometimes:

“Let me think about that.”

Sometimes:

“I do not want to respond emotionally, so I will come back to this conversation.”

That is maturity.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER IMMEDIATELY

Technology has trained people to believe every message needs an immediate response.

It does not.

You can read something and wait.

You can receive criticism and think.

You can be offended and pray.

You can delay a conversation until you are calm.

Write this down:

Urgency belongs to emergencies, not every emotion.

You do not owe anger an instant answer.

Take time.

Especially when you know you are activated emotionally.

ANGER CAN MAKE YOU SAY WHAT WISDOM NEVER WOULD

How many people have said:

“I didn’t mean it. I was just angry.”

But once words leave your mouth, you cannot pull them back.

You can apologize.

You can repair.

But the person still heard them.

That is why emotional mastery matters.

Mishlei repeatedly warns about the tongue because emotion often uses speech as a weapon.

Write this down:

Never let a temporary emotion make a permanent statement for you.

You may be angry for fifteen minutes and say something remembered for fifteen years.

Slow down.

PRAYER CHANGES PERSPECTIVE

Another key to emotional mastery is prayer.

Philippiym (Philippians) 4:6-7 teaches us to bring our concerns before Elohiym, and His peace guards our hearts and minds.

Prayer allows you to process the emotion with YAHUAH before you process it with the person.

That order matters.

Instead of immediately confronting somebody, you can pray:

“YAHUAH, show me what I am feeling.”

“Show me why this affected me so deeply.”

“Show me whether I need to speak or remain silent.”

“Show me what part belongs to me.”

“Give me words that do not create more damage.”

Write this down:

Take the emotion to YAHUAH before you hand the emotion to somebody else.

ASK: WHAT IS THIS REALLY TRIGGERING?

Sometimes the current situation is not the whole reason you are upset.

A person says something small, but it touches an old wound.

Now your reaction is ten times larger than the present situation.

That is why self-awareness matters.

Ask:

“Why did that affect me so deeply?”

“Is this about today, or did today touch yesterday?”

“Am I reacting to this person or to something they reminded me of?”

Write this down:

A disproportionate reaction can reveal an unresolved wound.

Difficult people can sometimes expose areas that still need healing.

That does not make what they did right.

But it gives you an opportunity to grow.

CALM DOES NOT MEAN WEAK

Some people think staying calm means letting someone “get away with it.”

No.

Calm does not mean passive.

Calm means controlled.

You can speak firmly without screaming.

You can say no without being cruel.

You can establish a boundary without an argument.

You can correct misinformation without insulting somebody.

You can walk away without losing dignity.

Write this down:

Calmness is not weakness. It is strength that does not need chaos to prove itself.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MATCH THEIR ENERGY

This phrase matters:

You do not have to match their energy.

If they are loud, you do not have to become louder.

If they are rude, you do not have to become rude.

If they are petty, you do not have to become petty.

If they are disrespectful, you can remain firm without becoming disrespectful yourself.

Write this down:

Their emotional temperature does not determine mine.

You can bring a different spirit into the room.

TRUE POWER IS STAYING IN CONTROL

True strength is not how loudly you can argue.

Not how quickly you can embarrass somebody.

Not how many cutting words you can produce.

Not whether you can win a verbal fight.

True strength is remaining steady enough to choose the response that serves YAHUAH’s purpose.

Write this down:

The strongest response is the one I choose, not the one someone provokes out of me.

EMOTIONAL MASTERY PROTECTS YOUR INTEGRITY

When you govern your emotions, you protect your integrity.

You stop giving difficult people material they can use against you.

You stop behaving in ways that contradict what you believe.

You stop saying:

“That’s not really who I am.”

Because you are learning how to remain who you are under pressure.

Write this down:

Integrity is remaining aligned with my values when emotions tempt me to abandon them.

EMOTIONAL MASTERY PROTECTS YOUR PURPOSE

A moment of uncontrolled emotion can create consequences that interfere with your assignment.

One angry email.

One reckless post.

One unnecessary confrontation.

One decision made in offense.

One relationship damaged because you needed to “win.”

That is why emotional control is not merely a relationship skill.

It is purpose protection.

Write this down:

Self-control protects things anger cannot see in the moment.

Anger sees now.

Wisdom sees afterward.

BUILD A PAUSE PRACTICE

When a difficult person activates you, practice this:

Pause.

Breathe.

Listen.

Pray.

Decide.

Then respond.

Do not skip straight from emotion to action.

Write this down:

PAUSE. PRAY. PROCESS. RESPOND.

Pause so you do not act impulsively.

Pray so YAHUAH can bring perspective.

Process what actually happened.

Then respond according to wisdom.

DECLARE IT

Say:

“I will rule my spirit. My emotions will not rule me.”

Again:

“I will rule my spirit. My emotions will not rule me.”

I can feel anger without becoming destructive.

I can feel hurt without becoming bitter.

I can feel frustration without becoming foolish.

I can feel fear without allowing fear to control my decisions.

I can be offended without immediately retaliating.

I will pause.

I will pray.

I will think.

I will respond.

DIFFICULT PEOPLE MAY TEST ME, BUT THEY WILL NOT GOVERN ME

Declare:

“I refuse to give difficult people authority over my character, my peace, my words, or my purpose.”

They can choose their behavior.

I will choose mine.

They can raise their voice.

I will govern mine.

They can misunderstand me.

I will remain grounded.

They can attempt to provoke me.

I will remain under wisdom.

They can be difficult.

I do not have to become difficult too.

THE NEXT STEP IS BOUNDARIES

But there is another truth we must understand.

Emotional mastery does not mean staying endlessly available to everybody.

Sometimes the reason difficult people continue draining you is not because you lack love.

It is because you lack boundaries.

There are people who have more access to your time, your emotions, your energy, and your private life than wisdom ever authorized.

And that is where we go next.

PART 3 is about HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.

Because you can love people and still say no.

You can forgive people and still limit access.

You can care about someone without becoming responsible for everything they feel.

And sometimes protecting your peace is not unloving.

Sometimes it is wisdom.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 3

Mishlei (Proverbs) chapter 4

Today we are walking in: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 3

Mishlei (Proverbs) 4:23

Keep H5341 thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

KEEP

Today we look to the word—KEEP—H5341—natsar—to guard, watch, preserve, protect, maintain, or keep watch over. It carries the understanding of intentionally protecting something valuable so that what has been entrusted to you is not left exposed or unguarded.

The Torah Testifies……….

Devariym (Deuteronomy) 4:9

Only take heed to thyself, and keep H5341 thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life.

Devariym (Deuteronomy) 33:9

Who said unto his father and to his mother, I have not seen him; neither did he acknowledge his brethren, nor knew his own children: for they have observed thy word, and kept H5341 thy covenant.

The Prophets Proclaim………

Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 26:3

Thou wilt keep H5341 him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusts in thee.

Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 27:3

I YAHUAH do keep H5341 it; I will water it every moment: lest any hurt it, I will keep it night and day.

The Writings Witness………

Tehilliym (Psalms) 25:20

O keep H5341 my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.

Mishlei (Proverbs) 4:23

Keep H5341 thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Healthy boundaries are one of the most important principles you will ever learn when dealing with difficult people. Boundaries help you maintain peace, protect your purpose, preserve healthy relationships, and properly steward the life YAHUAH has given you. Many people continually struggle with difficult relationships because they have never established clear limits concerning what they will accept, what they will carry, how much access others will receive, and what behavior they will permit around them.

A boundary is not automatically rejection. A boundary is not hatred. A boundary is not punishment, revenge, or abandonment. A healthy boundary simply defines where responsibility, access, and acceptable behavior begin and end. It says, “I can love you without allowing everything. I can care about you without carrying everything. I can forgive you without giving you unlimited access to me.”

Write this down: Boundaries do not determine how much I love someone; they help determine how much access wisdom allows them to have.

That distinction is important because many people have been taught that loving someone means always being available to them. They believe that if they say no, create distance, protect their time, or refuse certain behavior, they are somehow being unloving. But Scripture gives us a completely different picture. Even Yahusha, who demonstrated perfect love, did not give everyone unlimited access to His time, energy, attention, or assignment.

YAHUSHA HAD BOUNDARIES

One of the clearest examples appears in Luqas (Luke) 4:42-43. After Yahusha had been ministering, the people searched for Him and attempted to keep Him from leaving them. Their desire for Him was understandable. They had experienced His ministry and wanted Him to remain. Yet Yahusha answered that He must preach the Kingdom of Elohiym to other cities also because that was why He had been sent.

Notice what Yahusha did not do. He did not allow someone else’s desire for His presence to override the assignment of YAHUAH upon His life. He knew His purpose, and because He knew His purpose, He knew when He had to leave.

That teaches us something powerful: Other people’s expectations do not automatically become your obligations.

Someone can genuinely want something from you and the answer can still be no. Someone can be disappointed with your boundary and the boundary can still be necessary. Someone can misunderstand your decision and your decision can still be wise. If you allow every demand placed upon you to become an obligation, eventually you will spend your life fulfilling everybody else’s expectations while neglecting your own assignment.

BOUNDARIES REQUIRE KNOWING YOUR PURPOSE

Yahusha could recognize what He needed to decline because He knew what He had been sent to accomplish. Purpose creates clarity. When you do not know what YAHUAH has assigned to you, everything feels equally urgent. Every request receives the same importance, every person gets access, every problem becomes yours to solve, and every interruption receives your attention.

But once purpose becomes clear, you begin asking better questions. Does this deserve my time? Is this something YAHUAH has actually assigned to me? Am I helping someone, or am I enabling something unhealthy? Is this relationship producing good fruit, or is it continually draining what YAHUAH has given me? Am I saying yes because YAHUAH instructed me to, or because I am afraid somebody will be upset if I say no?

Write this down: When purpose becomes clear, boundaries become easier to establish.

You begin understanding that saying yes to one thing often requires saying no to something else. Every hour you give somewhere cannot be used somewhere else. Every emotional burden you accept occupies space within you. Every relationship you maintain requires some measure of attention. Therefore, boundaries are not merely about protecting yourself from bad people. They are about properly stewarding what YAHUAH has placed in your hands.

GUARD YOUR HEART

Mishlei 4:23 tells us, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” That instruction means your heart is valuable enough to require guarding. YAHUAH did not command you to leave your inner life completely exposed to everybody who wants access.

Guarding your heart does not mean building walls so high that nobody can love you. It means exercising discernment concerning what you permit to influence you. There is a difference between a wall and a boundary. A wall says, “Nobody gets in.” A healthy boundary says, “Access is determined by wisdom.”

Write this down: Guarding my heart is not refusing to love people; it is refusing to let everything enter and remain in my heart.

If someone constantly brings chaos, negativity, manipulation, gossip, disrespect, or emotional instability into your life, you must recognize what unrestricted exposure can eventually produce. What surrounds you repeatedly can begin affecting your thoughts, emotions, decisions, and peace. Guarding your heart means recognizing that compassion does not require constant exposure to dysfunction.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

One important category is emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries help you understand where your responsibility ends and another person’s responsibility begins. Compassionate people often struggle here because they genuinely care about others. When somebody is hurting, they want to help. When somebody has a problem, they want to fix it. When somebody is unhappy, they begin feeling responsible for making that person happy again.

But you were never assigned to become everybody’s savior.

You can listen without becoming responsible for fixing everything. You can support someone without taking ownership of their entire life. You can pray with them without allowing their crisis to become your permanent emotional condition. You can offer wisdom while recognizing that they still have the responsibility to decide what they will do with it.

Write this down: Compassion allows me to walk beside someone; unhealthy responsibility convinces me that I must carry them.

There are people who will repeatedly unload the same problem onto you while refusing every solution. They call, vent, receive advice, ignore it, return to the same situation, and then repeat the cycle. Eventually, you are exhausted over a situation they have decided not to change. At that point, wisdom may require a boundary. You can care without repeatedly participating in the cycle.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYBODY’S EMOTIONS

Another emotional boundary involves recognizing that other adults are responsible for managing their own emotions. Some people use disappointment, anger, silence, guilt, or manipulation to make others comply with their wishes. If you have spent your life trying to keep everyone happy, this can be particularly difficult.

You say no, and they become angry, so you change your answer. You establish a boundary, and they become offended, so you remove it. You make a decision they dislike, and suddenly you feel responsible for repairing their feelings. Eventually, they learn that your boundaries disappear whenever they react strongly enough.

Write this down: Someone being upset with my boundary does not automatically mean my boundary is wrong.

You should always examine yourself. Make sure your boundary is not rooted in pride, revenge, cruelty, or an attempt to control someone. But once you have prayerfully determined that a boundary is healthy and necessary, another person’s emotional reaction does not automatically invalidate it.

TIME BOUNDARIES

Time is another area requiring boundaries. Your time is one of the most valuable resources YAHUAH has entrusted to you because once a moment is spent, it cannot be recovered. Yet many people allow everyone else to determine how their time will be used.

Yahusha demonstrated a different pattern. Mark 1:35 tells us that very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Yahusha went into a solitary place and prayed. The crowds had needs. The disciples had needs. People were looking for Him. Yet Yahusha still withdrew.

If Yahusha intentionally withdrew from people to pray, then withdrawing does not automatically mean you are neglecting people. Sometimes separation is necessary for replenishment. You cannot continually pour while refusing to be filled.

Write this down: Rest is not irresponsibility when rest protects my ability to fulfill my responsibility.

You do not have to answer every phone call immediately. You do not have to attend every event. You do not have to accept every invitation. You do not have to rearrange every plan because someone else suddenly wants something. Sometimes your answer must simply be, “I am not available.”

And you do not always need a twenty-minute explanation for a two-letter word.

No is a complete boundary when wisdom requires it.

RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES

Relationship boundaries involve determining who receives intimate access to your life. Yahusha loved everyone, ministered to multitudes, taught many disciples, chose twelve apostles, and still had Peter, James, and John present during certain intimate moments. Even within His relationships, access was not identical.

That teaches us something important: Love can be equal while access is different.

You can love everybody without telling everybody everything. You can treat everyone with dignity without allowing everyone into your inner circle. You can forgive someone without immediately restoring them to the same position they previously occupied.

Trust and forgiveness are related, but they are not identical. Forgiveness can be given because you choose to release the offense before YAHUAH. Trust is rebuilt through demonstrated character over time.

Write this down: Forgiveness can be immediate; restored trust may require evidence.

If somebody repeatedly violates confidence, lies, manipulates, betrays, or disregards your boundaries, wisdom may require changing their level of access. That does not necessarily mean you hate them. It means you are paying attention to fruit.

EVERYBODY DOES NOT DESERVE FULL ACCESS

Some people know your name but should not know your secrets. Some people can sit at your table but should not speak into your decisions. Some people can be loved from a distance. Some people can receive kindness without receiving intimate access.

Yahusha Himself demonstrated discernment concerning trust. Yahuchanon (John) 2:24-25 tells us that Yahusha did not commit Himself unto them because He knew all men and knew what was in man. His love was perfect, but His trust was discerning.

Write this down: Being loving does not require being undiscerning.

You do not have to prove your spirituality by repeatedly handing vulnerable parts of yourself to people who have demonstrated that they cannot handle them responsibly.

BOUNDARIES WITHOUT BITTERNESS

There is also an important warning. Boundaries must not become disguised revenge. Sometimes people say, “I’m protecting my peace,” when what they actually mean is, “I am punishing you because you hurt me.”

A healthy boundary protects. Revenge punishes. A healthy boundary establishes clarity. Manipulation attempts to control. A healthy boundary can still desire good for the other person. Bitterness secretly wants them to suffer.

Ask YAHUAH to examine your heart. You want boundaries without hatred, distance without revenge, firmness without cruelty, and discernment without pride.

Write this down: The healthiest boundary protects my peace without poisoning my heart.

You can say, “I forgive you, but this cannot continue.” You can say, “I love you, but I will not participate in this behavior.” You can say, “I am willing to have this conversation when we can speak respectfully.” You can say, “I care about you, but I cannot carry this responsibility for you.”

That is maturity.

BOUNDARIES TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO RELATE TO YOU

When you continually accept behavior that violates your values, people may begin believing the behavior is acceptable. Boundaries provide clarity. They communicate what healthy relationship with you requires.

But boundaries must also have consistency. A boundary that disappears every time somebody pushes against it is merely a suggestion.

If you say, “I will end the conversation if yelling begins,” then when yelling begins, you calmly end the conversation. You do not scream back. You do not threaten. You simply honor the boundary you established.

Write this down: A boundary is enforced primarily by what I will do, not by forcing another person to behave differently.

That is an important distinction. You cannot control them. Your boundary governs your participation.

SOME PEOPLE WILL RESIST THE HEALTHIER VERSION OF YOU

When you begin establishing boundaries, do not be surprised if people who benefited from your lack of boundaries become uncomfortable. If someone was accustomed to unlimited access, your new limits may feel offensive to them. If they were accustomed to you always saying yes, your no may feel like rejection. If they were accustomed to you carrying responsibilities that belonged to them, your decision to stop may feel unloving.

Their discomfort does not necessarily mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes discomfort simply means the relationship is adjusting to a healthier structure.

You should remain humble and willing to listen if someone raises a legitimate concern. Boundaries do not make you automatically right. But neither should guilt automatically make you surrender what wisdom told you to establish.

BOUNDARIES CAN SAVE RELATIONSHIPS

People sometimes assume boundaries destroy relationships, but healthy boundaries can actually preserve them. Without boundaries, resentment grows. You keep saying yes while internally becoming angry. You continue giving while secretly feeling used. You remain silent about behavior that bothers you until eventually you explode.

Healthy boundaries allow honesty before resentment accumulates.

Instead of waiting until you cannot take anymore, communicate earlier. Explain what you need. Explain what you can and cannot do. Explain what behavior makes healthy interaction impossible.

Write this down: Clear boundaries today can prevent bitter explosions tomorrow.

A healthy relationship should be able to survive respectful honesty.

KNOW WHEN DISTANCE IS NECESSARY

There are situations where repeated boundary violations require greater distance. If someone continually demonstrates that they will not respect reasonable limits, you may need to change the relationship.

Distance does not always mean hatred. Sometimes distance is the consequence of repeated disregard.

You can pray for somebody from a distance. You can forgive from a distance. You can desire YAHUAH’s best for them from a distance. You can refuse bitterness while still recognizing that close relationship is not presently healthy.

The goal is never revenge. The goal is wisdom, peace, obedience, and healthy stewardship.

DECLARE IT

Declare this over yourself: “YAHUAH, give me wisdom to love people without abandoning the boundaries necessary to protect what You have entrusted to me. Teach me when to say yes and when to say no. Teach me when to draw close and when to create distance. Keep my boundaries free from bitterness, pride, manipulation, and revenge. Help me guard my heart without hardening my heart.”

Declare that you will no longer confuse love with unlimited access. You will not confuse forgiveness with the absence of consequences. You will not allow guilt to make decisions that wisdom should make. You will protect your time, steward your emotions, guard your heart, and remain available first to the assignment YAHUAH has placed upon your life.

You can love difficult people without allowing difficult behavior to dominate your life. You can show grace without becoming a doormat. You can forgive without repeatedly volunteering for the same wound. You can care deeply while remaining discerning about access.

And remember this: YAHUAH told you to guard your heart, not harden it.

THE NEXT STEP IS WISDOM

Once boundaries are established, another question immediately arises: How do you actually communicate and respond when difficult people confront you?

Because having boundaries does not eliminate conflict. Eventually someone will challenge you, criticize you, provoke you, misunderstand you, or attempt to pull you into an argument. In those moments, you need more than emotional control. You need wisdom.

That is where we are going in PART 4.

We are going to deal with the difference between wisdom and foolishness, why every argument does not deserve your participation, when silence is stronger than an answer, how Yahusha responded when people deliberately attempted to trap Him, and why a gentle answer can change the entire atmosphere of a conflict.

Because maturity is not merely knowing that you could respond.

Maturity is having enough wisdom to know whether you should.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 4

Mishlei (Proverbs) chapter 26

Today we are walking in: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 4

Mishlei (Proverbs) 26:4

“Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.”

ANSWER

Today we look to the word—ANSWER—H6030—anah—to answer, respond, testify, speak, reply, or give an account. This word immediately places responsibility upon the person responding. You may not be responsible for what somebody says to you, but you are responsible for the answer you give them.

The Torah Testifies……….

Shemoth (Exodus) 19:8

“And all the people answered H6030 together, and said, All that YAHUAH hath spoken we will do.”

Bemidbar (Numbers) 22:18

“And Bil’am answered H6030 and said unto the servants of Balaq, If Balaq would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the word of YAHUAH my Elohiym, to do less or more.”

The Prophets Proclaim………

Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 50:2

“Wherefore, when I came, was there no man? when I called, was there none to answer? H6030”

Miykah (Micah) 6:3

“O my people, what have I done unto thee? and wherein have I wearied thee? testify H6030 against me.”

The Writings Witness………

Mishlei (Proverbs) 15:1

“A soft answer H6030 turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

Mishlei (Proverbs) 26:4

“Answer H6030 not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.”

One of the greatest signs of spiritual maturity is not how much Scripture you know, how loudly you can pray, or how quickly you can recognize when somebody else is wrong. One of the greatest signs of maturity is knowing how to respond when somebody gives you every reason to respond incorrectly. Difficult people will test whether the Word you profess publicly has actually taken root privately.

Write this down: You cannot always control what enters the conversation, but you can control what leaves your mouth.

That is where wisdom becomes necessary. Many conflicts are not destroyed by the original offense; they are multiplied by the response to the offense. Somebody says something disrespectful, so you become disrespectful. Somebody raises their voice, so you raise yours. Somebody insults you, so you search through your mental filing cabinet for the most painful thing you know about them and fire it back. Five minutes later, neither person remembers what started the argument because now there are fifteen new offenses lying on the floor.

That is how foolishness multiplies itself.

DO NOT LET SOMEBODY ELSE CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER

Mishlei 26:4 gives us an unusual instruction: “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.” In other words, do not allow another person’s behavior to determine the level on which you operate. If somebody chooses foolishness, you do not have to meet them there.

This is especially important because difficult people can sometimes provoke behavior from you that does not normally represent you. You may say, “They brought that side out of me.” But maturity requires us to confront that statement. If somebody can bring it out of you, then it was still somewhere inside you that YAHUAH wants to address.

Write this down: Provocation does not create character; it reveals what still needs to be governed.

That does not excuse what somebody did to you. Wrong is still wrong. Disrespect is still disrespect. Manipulation is still manipulation. But another person’s wrongdoing does not give you permission to abandon your own character.

You belong to YAHUAH before the argument begins, while the argument is happening, and after the argument ends.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ATTEND EVERY ARGUMENT YOU ARE INVITED TO

Some people love conflict. They do not approach conversations looking for understanding; they approach them looking for reaction. They already have their conclusion. They simply want you emotionally involved enough to give them material.

Wisdom recognizes the difference between a conversation and a trap.

Write this down: Every question does not deserve an answer, every accusation does not deserve a defense, and every invitation to conflict does not require your attendance.

That can be difficult when you know somebody is wrong about you. Everything inside you wants to explain. You want to correct the record. You want everybody to know what really happened. You want to pull out receipts, screenshots, dates, timestamps, witnesses, exhibits A through Z, and perhaps call a special session of the Supreme Court while you are at it.

But sometimes YAHUAH will tell you, “Be quiet.”

And being quiet when you have enough evidence to destroy somebody’s argument requires tremendous self-control.

Silence does not always mean you have nothing to say. Sometimes silence means you have discerned that speaking would accomplish nothing.

YAHUSHA DID NOT ANSWER EVERYTHING

Yahusha demonstrated this repeatedly. Matthew 27:12-14 tells us that when He was accused by the chief priests and elders, He answered nothing. Pilate was amazed because Yahusha could have defended Himself, yet He did not respond to every accusation.

Think about that. The One who knew the truth perfectly did not feel obligated to correct every lie immediately.

Some of us would have said, “Hold on, Pilate. Give Me the microphone. I have several things I need to clear up.”

Yahusha remained focused.

Why? Because He knew His assignment. He understood that responding to every accusation would not alter what YAHUAH had called Him to accomplish.

Write this down: When you know who you are, you do not have to answer every person who misunderstands you.

There are moments when explaining yourself is appropriate. There are moments when correction is necessary. There are moments when truth must be spoken clearly. But there are also moments when the wisest response is silence.

Discernment tells you which moment you are standing in.

SILENCE IS NOT WEAKNESS

Some people misunderstand silence because our culture often celebrates the comeback. Somebody insults you, and everybody waits to see whether you can insult them better. Somebody embarrasses you, and the expectation is that you must embarrass them in return.

But Kingdom strength looks different.

Sometimes the strongest person in the room is the one who could destroy the conversation but chooses peace instead.

Write this down: Silence becomes powerful when it is chosen by wisdom rather than forced by fear.

There is a difference between being silent because you are afraid to speak and being silent because YAHUAH has shown you that speaking is unnecessary. One is intimidation. The other is discipline.

Do not confuse them.

YAHUSHA KNEW WHEN TO SPEAK TOO

However, wisdom does not mean remaining silent about everything. Yahusha was not passive. There were moments when He spoke directly, confronted hypocrisy, corrected error, and answered opposition.

John 8 gives us an excellent example. Religious leaders brought a woman caught in adultery before Yahusha. Their question was not sincere. Scripture tells us they were testing Him so they might have grounds to accuse Him.

Yahusha recognized the trap.

Instead of immediately answering, He stooped down and wrote on the ground. They continued questioning Him, but Yahusha refused to allow their urgency to become His urgency.

That right there will save some of us.

Write this down: I do not have to answer at the speed of somebody else’s pressure.

You can pause.

You can think.

You can pray.

You can say, “Give me a moment.”

You can say, “I need time before I respond.”

You can leave a message unanswered until you are calm enough to answer wisely.

The world will continue rotating while you gather yourself.

Then Yahusha stood and said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

One sentence.

He did not give a thirty-minute argument. He did not insult them. He did not become emotionally chaotic.

Wisdom spoke, and foolishness lost its audience.

RESPOND—DO NOT REACT

This brings us back to what we established earlier. There is a major difference between reacting and responding. Reaction is immediate and emotional. Response is deliberate and governed.

Reaction asks, “How do I feel right now?”

Wisdom asks, “What response produces the fruit YAHUAH desires?”

When somebody offends you, your first feeling may be anger. Anger itself does not automatically make you sinful. But anger cannot be permitted to become your counselor.

Ya’aqov (James) 1:19 teaches us to be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.

Notice the order. Hear quickly. Speak slowly. Become angry slowly.

Many of us reverse it. We become angry quickly, speak immediately, and listen sometime next Thursday.

Then we wonder why the conversation exploded.

Write this down: Slow your mouth down long enough for wisdom to catch up with your emotions.

THE POWER OF A SOFT ANSWER

Mishlei 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

A soft answer does not mean a weak answer. It means your delivery is governed. You can be firm without being disrespectful. You can disagree without becoming insulting. You can correct somebody without humiliating them.

Sometimes we believe that because what we are saying is true, we can say it however we want.

No.

Truth spoken without wisdom can still cause unnecessary damage.

Write this down: Being right does not give me permission to be reckless.

Your tone matters. Your timing matters. Your motive matters. Your choice of words matters.

There are conversations where the content of your answer is correct, but the spirit behind the answer is wrong.

YAHUAH is concerned with both.

ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH

Before responding to a difficult person, ask yourself: What am I trying to accomplish?

Am I trying to solve the problem, or am I trying to win?

Am I trying to bring understanding, or am I trying to embarrass them?

Am I trying to establish a boundary, or am I trying to punish them?

Am I trying to speak truth, or am I trying to make them hurt because they hurt me?

Those questions expose motive.

Sometimes you are absolutely correct about what happened, but your desire to prove that you are correct can become more important than peace, reconciliation, or wisdom.

Write this down: Winning the argument and winning the situation are not always the same thing.

You can win the argument and lose the relationship. You can prove your point and damage your witness. You can have the last word and still walk away without peace.

Wisdom asks what victory actually looks like.

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY

Some conversations cannot be productive because one or both people are too emotionally activated to communicate wisely. Walking away temporarily may be the healthiest response.

That is not avoidance when your intention is to return when the conversation can be productive. Sometimes you need to say, “I want to discuss this, but I do not believe we can have a healthy conversation right now. Let’s come back to it when we are calmer.”

That is maturity.

You do not have to remain in a conversation where somebody is yelling, insulting, threatening, or deliberately provoking you simply because they demand that you stay.

Remember what we learned about boundaries: your boundary governs your participation.

You can calmly remove yourself.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE FOOLISH PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WISDOM

Here is another difficult lesson: some people are committed to misunderstanding you.

You can explain yourself five ways. They will invent a sixth interpretation.

You can apologize for your part. They will demand that you accept responsibility for theirs.

You can bring evidence. They will change the subject.

You can answer one accusation. They will produce another.

Eventually, wisdom must recognize when the conversation is no longer about truth.

Write this down: You cannot reason someone out of a position they are committed to protecting emotionally.

At that point, stop exhausting yourself.

You are responsible for communicating truth with integrity. You are not responsible for forcing somebody to accept it.

DO NOT LET OFFENSE WRITE YOUR RESPONSE

Offense is dangerous because it makes everything personal. Once offense settles into your heart, you stop hearing what somebody actually says and begin hearing everything through the wound.

Then even neutral statements sound hostile.

That is why prayer before difficult conversations matters. Ask YAHUAH to expose your own heart before you examine theirs.

Say, “YAHUAH, show me where I am hurt. Show me where pride is influencing me. Show me where I am assuming motives I cannot actually know. Show me what belongs to me in this conflict.”

That prayer requires humility.

It is easy to pray, “YAHUAH, fix them.”

It takes maturity to pray, “YAHUAH, examine me too.”

ASK YAHUAH FOR WISDOM

Ya’aqov 1:5 says that if any person lacks wisdom, let them ask of Elohiym, who gives generously.

That means when you are dealing with a difficult person, you do not have to depend solely upon your instincts. You can stop before the meeting, before the phone call, before answering the text, and ask YAHUAH for wisdom.

Ask Him: Should I answer? When should I answer? What should I say? What should I leave unsaid? Is this a moment for correction, silence, grace, confrontation, distance, or reconciliation?

Those are powerful prayers because different situations require different responses.

There is no universal script for every difficult person.

Wisdom knows the difference.

THREE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU RESPOND

Before you answer a difficult person, develop the discipline of asking yourself three questions.

First: Does this need a response? Not everything does.

Second: Does it need a response right now? Sometimes waiting prevents unnecessary damage.

Third: What response represents YAHUAH and protects the purpose He has given me?

Those three questions can prevent three minutes of anger from creating three years of consequences.

Write this down: A delayed wise response is better than an immediate foolish reaction.

YOUR PEACE IS MORE VALUABLE THAN THE LAST WORD

Difficult people often want the last word. Let them have it when necessary.

You do not receive a crown in heaven for winning the comment section.

You do not receive an extra mansion because you had the best comeback.

Sometimes peace sounds like allowing the conversation to end without proving everything you know.

That does not mean becoming weak. It means becoming disciplined enough to understand that your peace, character, and assignment are worth more than temporary satisfaction.

DECLARE IT

Declare this over yourself: “YAHUAH, govern my mouth when my emotions are stirred. Teach me when to speak and when to remain silent. Give me wisdom to recognize traps, discernment to identify unnecessary battles, humility to receive correction when I am wrong, and courage to speak truth when speaking is necessary.”

Declare that another person’s foolishness will not determine your behavior. You will not surrender your character because somebody provoked you. You will not trade your peace for the satisfaction of the last word. You will be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath.

When silence is wisdom, you will be silent.

When truth must be spoken, you will speak it with grace.

When a conversation becomes destructive, you will know when to leave.

When correction belongs to you, you will receive it.

And when somebody refuses truth, you will release them from your need to make them understand.

Because you are learning something powerful: You cannot control difficult people, but through the Ruach Ha’Qodesh, you can govern how you respond to them.

THE NEXT LEVEL: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE PEOPLE

And now we have reached one of the hardest lessons of all.

What happens when you have controlled your emotions, established healthy boundaries, responded with wisdom, prayed, explained yourself clearly—and the difficult person still does not change?

That is where many believers become exhausted.

You start believing that if you could just explain it better, love harder, pray longer, give another chance, have another conversation, send another message, or find exactly the right words, you could finally make them understand.

But there comes a point when YAHUAH has to free you from the responsibility of changing another human heart.

That belongs to Him.

In PART 5, we are going directly into PRAY FOR PEOPLE—STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THEM. We are going to deal with the exhausting habit of trying to fix people, the difference between intercession and control, why Yahusha prayed for the very people crucifying Him, why forgiveness protects your heart, and what happens when you finally place difficult people back into YAHUAH’s hands.

Because sometimes the greatest breakthrough is not when the difficult person changes.

Sometimes the breakthrough happens when you realize their change was never your responsibility.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 5

Yechezq’el (Ezekiel) chapter 36

Today we are walking in: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 5

Yechezq’el (Ezekiel) 36:26

“A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”

HEART

Today we look to the word—HEART—H3820—leb—the inner person, mind, will, understanding, inclination, courage, intention, thought, or center of a person’s desires and decisions. This is important because difficult behavior is often merely the outward manifestation of something taking place within the heart. Human beings can address behavior, establish boundaries, speak truth, offer correction, and extend love, but only YAHUAH can reach into the deepest places of a person and transform the heart itself.

The Torah Testifies……….

Devariym (Deuteronomy) 6:5

“And thou shalt love YAHUAH thy Elohiym with all thine heart H3824, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.”

Devariym (Deuteronomy) 8:2

“And thou shalt remember all the way which YAHUAH thy Elohiym led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, H3824 whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.”

The Prophets Proclaim………

Yirmeyahu (Jeremiah) 17:10

“I YAHUAH search the heart, H3820 I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.”

Yechezq’el (Ezekiel) 36:26

“A new heart H3820 also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you.”

The Writings Witness………

Tehilliym (Psalms) 51:10

“Create in me a clean heart, H3820 O Elohiym; and renew a right spirit within me.”

Mishlei (Proverbs) 21:1

“The king’s heart H3820 is in the hand of YAHUAH, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will.”

One of the most exhausting things you can do in a relationship is assume responsibility for changing another human being. You see what they are doing wrong, you recognize the damage their behavior is creating, and because you love them, you begin believing that if you explain it enough, demonstrate it enough, correct it enough, forgive it enough, or sacrifice enough, eventually you can make them change. Before long, their transformation has quietly become your personal assignment.

But there is a problem with that assignment.

YAHUAH never gave it to you.

You can influence people. You can teach people. You can encourage people. You can confront people. You can establish boundaries with people. You can model righteousness before people. You can pray for people. But you cannot reach inside another person’s heart and force transformation.

That belongs to YAHUAH.

Write this down: I am responsible for my obedience. I am not responsible for another person’s transformation.

Understanding that truth will deliver you from carrying weight that was never yours.

YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEBODY TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT FOR THEM

One of the painful realities of loving people is discovering that sometimes you can want better for somebody more than they currently want better for themselves. You can see their potential. You can recognize the consequences of their choices. You can see exactly where the road they are traveling leads, and everything inside you wants to grab them and turn them around.

So you talk.

Then you talk again.

Then you explain your previous explanation.

Then you find another way to explain the explanation you already explained.

And eventually you become frustrated because nothing changes.

The problem is not necessarily that you failed to communicate clearly. The problem may simply be that the person has not chosen change.

Write this down: Information can be offered, but transformation cannot be forced.

YAHUAH Himself gives human beings the ability to choose. If YAHUAH allows people to make choices, even choices He does not approve of, you cannot appoint yourself ruler over another person’s will.

That does not mean you become indifferent. It means you understand the limits of your responsibility.

STOP CONFUSING LOVE WITH CONTROL

Sometimes control disguises itself as concern.

We tell ourselves, “I am only doing this because I love them.”

Perhaps you do love them. But love and control can become tangled together when we begin believing that loving somebody means managing their decisions, preventing every consequence, correcting every mistake, or constantly pushing them toward the outcome we believe is best.

Love speaks truth.

Love gives wisdom.

Love warns when necessary.

Love establishes boundaries.

But love also understands when to step back and allow YAHUAH to deal with somebody.

Write this down: Love can advise without controlling. Love can care without carrying. Love can pray without manipulating.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop interfering with a process YAHUAH may be using to teach somebody what your words could not.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN

This can be difficult for people who are naturally helpers. You see the danger before the other person sees it, and you desperately want to protect them.

But there are lessons that cannot always be transferred through conversation.

Sometimes experience becomes the teacher.

Consider the prodigal son. His father did not chase him into the far country. He did not follow him around trying to manage his money. He did not continuously rescue him from every consequence of his choices. The son eventually reached a place where Scripture says “he came to himself.”

That moment mattered.

Sometimes people need room to come to themselves.

If you continually rescue somebody from every consequence, you may unintentionally interfere with the very consequence YAHUAH could use to awaken them.

Write this down: Do not become somebody’s permanent escape route from lessons they refuse to learn.

Compassion does not require enabling.

Grace does not require participation in dysfunction.

Forgiveness does not require removing every consequence.

You can love somebody deeply and still allow them to experience the results of their decisions.

PRAY WHERE YOU CANNOT REACH

This is where prayer becomes powerful.

There are places in another person’s heart you cannot enter. There are conversations they will not hear from you. There are wounds you cannot heal. There are lies they believe that your explanations cannot dismantle. There are patterns so deeply rooted that human persuasion cannot remove them.

But YAHUAH can reach where you cannot.

Mishlei 21:1 says that even the king’s heart is in the hand of YAHUAH, and He turns it wherever He wills.

If YAHUAH can deal with kings, rulers, nations, and generations, He can deal with the difficult person in your life.

Your responsibility is not to become the Ruach Ha’Qodesh for somebody else.

Let YAHUAH be YAHUAH.

Write this down: When my influence reaches its limit, YAHUAH’s authority does not.

That should give you peace.

YAHUSHA PRAYED FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE HURTING HIM

Luke 23:34 gives us one of the most extraordinary demonstrations of this principle. While Yahusha was being crucified, He said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

Think about the circumstances surrounding that prayer. Yahusha was not praying for people who had apologized. He was not praying for people who had suddenly recognized their wrongdoing. He was praying while the offense was happening.

That is another level of spiritual maturity.

Yahusha understood something we must learn: the behavior of another person does not have to determine the condition of your heart.

Write this down: Prayer keeps another person’s behavior from becoming poison inside of me.

When you pray for difficult people, prayer is not merely working on them.

Prayer is working on you.

It keeps bitterness from building a house in your heart. It keeps revenge from becoming your obsession. It prevents another person’s dysfunction from changing your character.

PRAYER DOES NOT MEAN PRETENDING THEY DID NOTHING WRONG

We need to make this clear because believers sometimes misunderstand forgiveness and prayer.

Praying for somebody does not require you to call wrong right.

You can pray for somebody and still acknowledge that they hurt you.

You can forgive somebody and still establish a boundary.

You can desire their restoration and still decide that they cannot presently have the same access to you.

You can pray for somebody from a distance.

Write this down: Forgiveness concerns the condition of my heart; access concerns the wisdom governing my relationship.

Those are not the same thing.

Yahusha taught us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, but He never taught us to surrender discernment.

You do not demonstrate forgiveness by repeatedly placing yourself in unnecessary harm.

STOP MAKING THEIR CHANGE THE CONDITION OF YOUR PEACE

This one is big.

Some people have unknowingly made their peace dependent upon another person’s transformation.

“I will have peace when they apologize.”

“I will have peace when they finally understand.”

“I will have peace when they admit what they did.”

“I will have peace when they treat me differently.”

Then what happens if they never do?

Do they get to hold your peace hostage forever?

Absolutely not.

Write this down: My peace cannot depend upon somebody else’s maturity.

There may be people who never apologize correctly. There may be people who rewrite the story to protect themselves. There may be people who refuse accountability. There may be people who remain convinced that they did nothing wrong.

You cannot spend your life waiting for somebody else’s revelation before you permit yourself to heal.

Release them to YAHUAH.

PRAY FOR THEIR HEART, NOT JUST THEIR BEHAVIOR

When difficult people hurt us, our prayers can easily become focused entirely upon how their behavior affects us.

“YAHUAH, make them stop.”

“YAHUAH, make them leave me alone.”

“YAHUAH, show them they are wrong.”

And depending upon the situation, those may reflect legitimate desires for relief or justice. But mature intercession eventually goes deeper.

“YAHUAH, heal whatever is producing this behavior.”

“YAHUAH, expose the wounds influencing their choices.”

“YAHUAH, reveal truth to them.”

“YAHUAH, give them a heart capable of receiving correction.”

“YAHUAH, deliver them from whatever keeps producing destruction.”

That is different.

Now you are not simply asking YAHUAH to make them easier for you to tolerate. You are asking Him to transform them for their own good and His glory.

Yechezq’el 36:26 says, “A new heart also will I give you.”

Notice who says I WILL GIVE.

YAHUAH.

Not you.

You cannot manufacture somebody’s new heart.

SOMETIMES YAHUAH MAY CHANGE YOU FIRST

Now here is the part we may not like.

You begin praying, “YAHUAH, change them,” and suddenly YAHUAH starts talking about you.

Wait a minute, YAHUAH. That was not the prayer request. 😂

But He begins exposing your impatience. Your need to control. Your pride. Your unresolved offense. Your tendency to assume motives. Your communication patterns. Your expectations.

Why?

Because sometimes the difficult person is not the only person YAHUAH intends to develop through the relationship.

Write this down: I cannot ask YAHUAH to examine their heart while refusing to let Him examine mine.

Tehilliym 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O El, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me.”

That is a mature prayer.

You can recognize somebody else’s wrongdoing while still allowing YAHUAH to correct anything wrong within you.

Their wrong does not automatically make everything about your response right.

RELEASE THE NEED TO BE VINDICATED

Sometimes our desire for somebody to change is actually connected to our desire to be vindicated.

We want them to finally say, “You were right.”

We imagine the day they come back and admit everything.

And maybe that happens.

Maybe it does not.

But your healing cannot depend upon that moment.

YAHUAH knows the truth even when people distort it.

YAHUAH saw what happened even when nobody else saw it.

YAHUAH heard the conversation.

YAHUAH knows the motives.

You do not need to destroy yourself trying to make everybody see what YAHUAH already knows.

Write this down: When YAHUAH knows the truth, I do not have to exhaust myself proving it to everybody else.

Let Him vindicate you in His way and His time.

DO YOUR PART—THEN RELEASE THE OUTCOME

Romans 12:18 gives us tremendous wisdom: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.”

Notice the language: as much as lieth in you.

Scripture acknowledges that peace has two sides.

You can apologize for your part.

You can communicate respectfully.

You can forgive.

You can pray.

You can offer reconciliation where appropriate.

You can establish healthy boundaries.

But you cannot perform another person’s part for them.

Write this down: Reconciliation requires participation; forgiveness does not.

You can forgive somebody who refuses reconciliation because forgiveness is something you surrender before YAHUAH. But healthy reconciliation requires truth, responsibility, willingness, and participation from both sides.

Stop trying to build a two-person bridge by yourself.

WHEN YOU RELEASE THEM, YOU RELEASE YOURSELF

There is extraordinary freedom in finally saying, “YAHUAH, I give this person back to You.”

Not because you stopped caring.

Not because you want something bad to happen to them.

Not because you have become cold.

But because you finally understand that YAHUAH loves them more perfectly than you ever could.

You can stop monitoring their transformation.

You can stop checking whether they finally learned their lesson.

You can stop arranging circumstances to teach them something.

You can stop rehearsing imaginary conversations where you finally make them understand.

Release them.

Write this down: Surrender means I stop trying to occupy YAHUAH’s position in another person’s life.

And when you do that, something beautiful happens.

Your hands become free.

Your mind becomes quieter.

Your emotional energy returns.

Your prayers become cleaner.

You can love without controlling.

You can care without carrying.

You can intercede without obsessing.

You can forgive without surrendering wisdom.

And you can continue your assignment.

DECLARE IT

Declare this over yourself: “YAHUAH, I release every person I have been trying to change. I surrender their heart, their decisions, their behavior, their healing, and their transformation into Your hands. Show me what belongs to me and what belongs to You. Give me wisdom to speak when I should speak, remain silent when I should remain silent, help when I should help, and step back when I should step back.”

Declare that you will no longer confuse love with control. You will not carry responsibility YAHUAH never assigned to you. You will pray without manipulating, forgive without enabling, love without abandoning discernment, and establish boundaries without hatred.

You release the need for everybody to understand you.

You release the need for everybody to apologize.

You release the need to witness somebody’s consequences.

You release the need to control the outcome.

You place difficult people into the hands of YAHUAH.

And you trust Him.

Because only YAHUAH can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. Only YAHUAH can reach places your words cannot reach. Only YAHUAH can reveal what somebody refuses to see. Only YAHUAH can produce genuine transformation.

Your assignment is to love, obey, pray, discern, and remain faithful.

Their heart belongs to YAHUAH.

THE FINAL LESSON: STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR ASSIGNMENT

Now we are ready for the final part.

Because after you have learned that people are not the true enemy, mastered your emotions, established boundaries, responded with wisdom, and released people from your need to change them, there is one final question:

What are you going to do with all the energy you used to spend fighting them?

You are going to put it back into your assignment.

Some difficult people are not trying to destroy you nearly as much as distraction is trying to delay you.

Nehemiah understood this.

Sanballat called.

Tobiah criticized.

Enemies threatened.

People lied.

Opposition increased.

And Nehemiah gave one of the greatest responses to distraction recorded in Scripture:

“I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down.”

That is where we are going in PART 6—the FINAL PART: STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR YAHUAH-GIVEN ASSIGNMENT.

We are going to close this teaching by learning how to stop giving critics, difficult people, unnecessary arguments, and offense the time and energy that belong to your purpose.

Because sometimes the greatest victory over a difficult person is not defeating them in an argument.

It is finishing your assignment without ever coming down from the wall.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 6

Nechemyah (Nehemiah) chapter 6

Today we are walking in: DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE PART 6

Nechemyah (Nehemiah) 6:3

“And I sent messengers unto them, saying, I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down: why should the work cease, whilst I leave it, and come down to you?”

WORK

Today we look to the word—WORK—H4399—melakah—occupation, workmanship, business, employment, service, ministry, property, or work that has been assigned to be accomplished. The word carries the idea of purposeful labor, something requiring attention and responsibility. Nechemyah understood that what YAHUAH had placed before him was more important than the voices attempting to pull him away from it. His response reveals one of the greatest principles for dealing with difficult people: when you understand the importance of your assignment, you stop allowing every distraction to interrupt your work.

The Torah Testifies……….

Bereshiyth (Genesis) 2:2

“And on the seventh day Elohiym ended his work H4399 which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work H4399 which he had made.”

Shemoth (Exodus) 35:2

“Six days shall work H4399 be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to YAHUAH.”

The Prophets Proclaim………

Yirmeyahu (Jeremiah) 48:10

“Cursed be he that doeth the work H4399 of YAHUAH deceitfully.”

Yonah (Jonah) 1:8

“Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? H4399”

The Writings Witness………

Nechemyah (Nehemiah) 4:17

“They which builded on the wall, and they that bare burdens, with those that laded, every one with one of his hands wrought H4399 in the work, and with the other hand held a weapon.”

Nechemyah (Nehemiah) 6:3

“And I sent messengers unto them, saying, I am doing a great work, H4399 so that I cannot come down.”

There comes a point in dealing with difficult people when you must stop asking how to make them behave differently and begin asking yourself a more important question: How much of my assignment am I neglecting because I am too busy responding to them?

That question can be uncomfortable because difficult people have a way of consuming enormous amounts of mental and emotional energy. The conversation may have lasted ten minutes, but you replay it for three days. They sent one message, but you have mentally written seventeen responses. They made one accusation, and now you are building an entire case trying to prove yourself. They criticized something YAHUAH told you to do, and suddenly you are questioning an assignment you were completely confident about before they opened their mouth.

Meanwhile, the wall is sitting unfinished.

Write this down: Every distraction does not come looking like destruction. Sometimes distraction comes looking like a conversation you feel obligated to have.

Nechemyah teaches us another way.

I AM DOING A GREAT WORK

Nechemyah had been given an assignment. The walls of Yerushalayim were broken down, its gates had been burned, and YAHUAH placed the burden within Nechemyah to rebuild.

That work mattered.

It was bigger than Nechemyah’s feelings. It was bigger than the opinions of his enemies. It was bigger than whether Sanballat liked him. It was bigger than whether Tobiyah understood him.

Nechemyah knew what YAHUAH had assigned him to accomplish.

That clarity became protection.

When you do not know what you are supposed to be doing, everything can become important. Every argument feels urgent. Every opinion demands consideration. Every critic receives your attention. Every offense becomes a project.

But when your assignment becomes clear, you develop the ability to distinguish between what deserves your attention and what merely demands it.

Write this down: Urgent does not always mean important, and loud does not always mean worthy of my attention.

Some things are screaming for your attention that have absolutely nothing to do with your assignment.

SANBALLAT WILL ALWAYS SEND AN INVITATION

Nechemyah 6 tells us that Sanballat and Geshem sent word to Nechemyah saying, “Come, let us meet together.”

It sounded like a meeting.

It sounded reasonable.

It could even have sounded like an opportunity to settle their differences.

But Nechemyah discerned something deeper.

Scripture says, “But they thought to do me mischief.”

That means Nechemyah had to discern the intention behind the invitation.

Everything requesting your presence does not deserve your presence.

Every conversation requesting your participation does not deserve your participation.

Every meeting is not productive.

Every invitation is not from YAHUAH.

Write this down: Discernment asks what an invitation is designed to pull me away from.

Sometimes the greatest danger is not what will happen if you go. The danger is what stops happening because you left your assignment to go.

Nechemyah understood that.

I CANNOT COME DOWN

His response was simple: “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down.”

Notice what he did not do.

He did not send Sanballat a twelve-paragraph explanation.

He did not defend the legitimacy of the wall.

He did not explain why YAHUAH called him.

He did not ask Sanballat to understand.

He did not organize a meeting to discuss Sanballat’s feelings about his assignment.

He simply knew that leaving the wall would stop the work.

That was enough.

There are seasons when “I cannot come down” must become your spiritual vocabulary.

You cannot come down every time somebody misunderstands you.

You cannot come down every time somebody criticizes you.

You cannot come down every time somebody talks about you.

You cannot come down every time somebody becomes offended because you established a boundary.

You cannot come down every time somebody demands access YAHUAH never told you to give them.

Write this down: If answering the distraction requires abandoning the assignment, the answer is no.

That does not mean you become arrogant. It means you become focused.

THEY SENT FOR HIM FOUR TIMES

Here is where the story becomes even more powerful.

Nechemyah 6:4 says, “Yet they sent unto me four times after this sort; and I answered them after the same manner.”

Four times.

Sanballat did not stop because Nechemyah said no once.

That is important.

Sometimes people believe that if they establish a boundary correctly, the other person will immediately respect it.

Not necessarily.

Some people test boundaries.

Some people push again.

Some people change their approach.

Some people believe persistence will eventually wear you down.

Nechemyah teaches us something powerful: You do not have to invent a new answer every time somebody refuses to accept the old one.

He answered them after the same manner.

Write this down: Consistency is what turns a stated boundary into an established boundary.

You said no yesterday.

It can still be no today.

You explained what you will not participate in.

You do not have to renegotiate because somebody dislikes your decision.

Difficult people sometimes interpret your consistency as stubbornness because they benefited from your inconsistency.

Stay on the wall.

WHEN THE INVITATION FAILED, THE ACCUSATION CAME

Then Sanballat changed tactics.

When Nechemyah would not come down, Sanballat sent an open letter containing accusations. He claimed that Nechemyah was rebuilding the wall because he wanted to become king.

Look at the progression.

First came the invitation.

When the invitation failed, accusation followed.

That happens.

When difficult people cannot control your actions, some will attempt to control the narrative about your actions.

They may misrepresent your motives.

They may tell people you changed.

They may call your boundary disrespect.

They may call your focus selfishness.

They may interpret your distance as hatred.

They may create an explanation for your behavior that protects their version of events.

Nechemyah could have panicked.

Instead, he answered in Nechemyah 6:8, “There are no such things done as thou sayest, but thou feignest them out of thine own heart.”

He corrected the lie.

Then he returned to the work.

Write this down: Correcting misinformation does not require becoming consumed by misinformation.

There is a difference between addressing something and becoming obsessed with it.

Sometimes correction is necessary. But after you have spoken truth, go back to building.

STOP TRYING TO CONTROL WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS ABOUT YOU

This is one of the greatest freedoms you can learn.

You cannot control everybody’s interpretation of you.

You can live honestly, communicate clearly, act with integrity, apologize when you are wrong, correct misinformation when necessary, and somebody may still decide to misunderstand you.

Let them be responsible for that.

Your responsibility is integrity.

Write this down: I am responsible for my character; I am not responsible for everybody’s opinion of my character.

If you spend your life trying to control every person’s perception of you, difficult people will always have a leash attached to your attention.

All they have to do is say something inaccurate and you come running down from the wall.

Stop coming down.

DO NOT GIVE CRITICS MORE ATTENTION THAN YAHUAH

Sometimes we spend more time thinking about what critics said than what YAHUAH said.

YAHUAH gave the assignment.

One person questioned it.

Now suddenly the person’s question is louder than YAHUAH’s instruction.

Something is wrong with that.

If YAHUAH has clearly instructed you, you cannot require universal human approval before obeying Him.

People may misunderstand your season.

They may not understand why you changed.

They may not understand why you stopped participating in certain things.

They may not understand why your priorities shifted.

They may not understand why you became less available.

They may not understand why your answer is now no.

But if your decisions are being governed by obedience, wisdom, and Scripture, everybody does not have to understand.

Write this down: People do not have to approve what YAHUAH authorized.

SOME DISTRACTIONS ARE REALLY TESTS OF FOCUS

The enemy does not always need to stop your purpose if he can keep interrupting it.

Think about that.

If every week you lose two days emotionally recovering from unnecessary conflict, how much purpose is being lost?

If every criticism sends you into isolation, how much work stops?

If every difficult person occupies your thoughts while you should be praying, studying, building, creating, serving, planning, parenting, healing, or preparing, how much attention is being stolen?

That is why focus is spiritual warfare.

Write this down: Whatever consistently steals my focus deserves examination.

The issue may not merely be that somebody is difficult.

The issue may be that you have given their difficulty too much access to your attention.

PROTECT YOUR ASSIGNMENT FROM EMOTIONAL DISTRACTION

You can physically leave a difficult person and still carry them mentally everywhere you go.

You are at work thinking about them.

You are eating thinking about them.

You are driving having imaginary arguments with them.

You are trying to pray and suddenly giving YAHUAH a forty-five-minute recap of what they did.

At some point, release it.

You have already prayed.

You established the boundary.

You responded with wisdom.

You surrendered them to YAHUAH.

Now return your attention to your assignment.

Write this down: Physical distance without mental release can still leave a difficult person controlling your life.

Guard your mind.

Your attention is valuable.

DO NOT WASTE YEARS TRYING TO WIN APPROVAL

Some people have spent years trying to prove themselves to someone who decided long ago not to celebrate them.

That is exhausting.

You accomplish something and wonder what they think.

YAHUAH opens a door and you wonder whether they approve.

You grow, but you keep checking whether they noticed.

You are building your future while emotionally looking over your shoulder.

Stop.

Not everybody assigned to your life is assigned to applaud you.

Some people may never understand your calling.

Some may never celebrate your growth.

Some may even prefer the version of you that required less from them.

Your responsibility is not to convince everybody that YAHUAH has called you.

Your responsibility is to answer the call.

Write this down: Approval is too expensive when the price is obedience.

PAUL SAID PRESS FORWARD

Philippians 3:13-14 gives us another powerful picture: “Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark.”

There is movement in that language.

Reaching.

Pressing.

Moving forward.

You cannot press forward while constantly turning backward to argue.

There are people behind you who will continue talking.

Let them talk while you press.

There are situations you cannot change.

Release them while you press.

There are misunderstandings you cannot completely resolve.

Entrust them to YAHUAH while you press.

There are relationships that may never return to what they were.

Grieve them, heal, and press.

Write this down: I can acknowledge what happened without allowing what happened to become where I live.

DIFFICULT PEOPLE CAN TEACH YOU SOMETHING

Before we close, understand that difficult people are not always useless encounters.

Sometimes they reveal where you need stronger boundaries.

Sometimes they expose emotional wounds that still need healing.

Sometimes they teach you patience.

Sometimes they teach you discernment.

Sometimes they show you where you have been too dependent upon approval.

Sometimes they force you to develop communication skills.

Sometimes they reveal how much more self-control YAHUAH wants to produce within you.

Even an unpleasant relationship can produce useful wisdom when surrendered to YAHUAH.

Write this down: I will take the lesson without carrying the offense.

That is maturity.

You do not have to become bitter to become wiser.

LOVE THEM WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR ASSIGNMENT

Everything we have taught throughout this series must remain balanced.

Difficult people are still people.

They are still human beings created by YAHUAH.

Some are wounded.

Some are immature.

Some are afraid.

Some are acting from experiences you know nothing about.

Some genuinely do not realize the damage they create.

Others know exactly what they are doing.

Wisdom determines how you deal with each one.

But no matter which type you encounter, do not allow their behavior to transform you into someone YAHUAH did not call you to become.

Love without becoming foolish.

Forgive without abandoning boundaries.

Pray without trying to control.

Speak truth without becoming cruel.

Create distance without hatred when distance is necessary.

And continue your assignment.

Write this down: I can love difficult people without giving difficult people control over my purpose.

REMEMBER THE SIX LESSONS

Throughout this teaching, YAHUAH has shown us how to deal with difficult people without allowing difficult people to govern our lives.

We learned first that people are not the real enemy. We wrestle not against flesh and blood, and recognizing the spiritual dimension of conflict prevents us from turning people into targets of hatred.

We learned that we must master our emotions. If somebody can control your emotional state, they can influence your behavior. Through the Ruach Ha’Qodesh, we learn to respond rather than react.

We learned to establish healthy boundaries. Loving everybody does not require giving everybody unrestricted access to our time, emotions, energy, or private life.

We learned to respond with wisdom rather than foolishness. Not every accusation deserves an answer, not every argument deserves participation, and sometimes silence is the strongest response available.

We learned to pray for people instead of assuming responsibility for changing them. Human hearts belong to YAHUAH. We can love, speak, pray, encourage, and establish boundaries, but transformation belongs to Him.

And finally, we learned to stay focused on the assignment. Difficult people cannot be allowed to consume the time, attention, emotional energy, and spiritual focus YAHUAH gave us for purpose.

When these six truths become part of your life, difficult people may still be difficult, but they will no longer possess the same ability to control you.

YOUR FINAL DECLARATION

Declare this over yourself: “I will not come down.”

When offense calls, I will not come down.

When criticism calls, I will not come down.

When unnecessary arguments call, I will not come down.

When somebody misunderstands my boundary, I will not come down.

When somebody tries to make their dysfunction my responsibility, I will not come down.

When accusation attempts to distract me, I will not come down.

I am doing a great work.

YAHUAH has given me an assignment.

My time belongs to that assignment.

My attention belongs to that assignment.

My gifts belong to that assignment.

My obedience belongs to YAHUAH.

I will love people.

I will pray for people.

I will forgive people.

I will speak truth.

I will establish boundaries.

I will receive correction when I am wrong.

I will seek wisdom before I respond.

But I will not abandon my purpose to participate in unnecessary conflict.

I AM DOING A GREAT WORK, AND I CANNOT COME DOWN.

FINAL PRAYER

YAHUAH, thank You for Your wisdom concerning relationships and difficult people. Search our hearts and reveal every place where offense, bitterness, pride, anger, fear, people-pleasing, or the desire for control has influenced the way we respond to others. Give us the wisdom to recognize that flesh and blood are not the true enemy, and teach us to see people through eyes of discernment rather than hatred.

Ruach Ha’Qodesh, govern our emotions. Teach us to be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Place a guard over our mouths when emotions rise. Give us the wisdom to know when to speak, when to remain silent, when to confront, when to forgive, when to establish boundaries, and when to walk away.

YAHUAH, deliver us from believing that we are responsible for changing people. We surrender every difficult person into Your hands. Reach the places in their hearts that our words cannot reach. Heal what is wounded, expose what is hidden, correct what is wrong, soften what has become hardened, and draw them into Your truth according to Your perfect wisdom.

At the same time, search us. Do not allow us to become so focused on another person’s faults that we become blind to our own. Correct us where correction is needed. Heal us where we have been wounded. Mature us where we have been immature. Strengthen our boundaries where they have been weak, and soften our hearts wherever pain has made us hard.

Most importantly, Father, keep our eyes upon the work You have placed before us. Do not allow criticism, offense, misunderstanding, rejection, gossip, arguments, or difficult personalities to pull us down from the wall. Restore every ounce of energy we have wasted fighting unnecessary battles. Restore our focus. Restore our peace. Restore our discipline. Restore our joy in the assignment.

Let the words of Nechemyah become resident within our spirits: “I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down.”

May we finish what You have assigned to our hands. May we love people without becoming controlled by people. May we walk in compassion without abandoning wisdom. May we forgive without returning to dysfunction. May we establish boundaries without bitterness. May we speak truth without cruelty. May we remain humble enough to receive correction and strong enough to reject manipulation.

And when our assignment is complete, may we be able to look back and say that difficult people did not destroy our character, steal our peace, harden our hearts, or prevent us from finishing what YAHUAH called us to do.

We will remain on the wall.

We will continue building.

We will continue obeying.

We will continue loving.

We will continue praying.

And by Your grace, we will finish the work.

In the mighty Name of Yahusha Ha’Mashiach, we pray.

Amein.