A DAY IN A BOUNDARYLESS LIFE

Genesis chapter 1








Today we are walking in: A Day In A Boundaryless Life










Deuteronomy 28:2


And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake H5381 thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God.







OVERTAKE



Today we look to the word-OVERTAKE- H5381 nasag--to reach, overtake, take hold upon, attain to, cause to reach, to be able to secure, have enough, overtake








The Torah testifies...............


Deuteronomy 28:45


Moreover all these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue thee, and overtake H5381 thee, till thou be destroyed; because thou hearkenedst not unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded thee:





The prophets proclaim..................



1 Samuel 30:8


And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake H5381 them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely H5381 overtake H5381 them, and without fail recover all.







The writings bear witness...........................



Psalm 18:37


I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken H5381 them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed.






A Day in a Boundaryless Life

6:00A.M.

The alarm jangled. Bleary-eyed from too little sleep, Sherrie shut off

the noisy intruder, turned on the bedside lamp, and sat up in bed.

Looking blankly at the wall, she tried to get her bearings.

Why am I dreading this day? Lord, didn't you promise me a life

of joy?

Then, as the cobwebs left her mind, Sherrie remembered the rea-

son for her dread: the four-o'clock meeting with Todd's third-grade

teacher. The phone call returned to her memory: "Sherrie, this is

Jean Russell. I wonder if we could meet about Todd's performance

and his ... behavior."

Todd couldn't keep still and listen to his teachers. He didn't even

listen to Sherrie and Wait. Todd was such a strong-willed child, and

she didn't want to quench his spirit. Wasn't that more important?

"Well, no time to worry about all that," Sherrie said to herself,

raising her thirty-five-year-old body off the bed and padding to the

shower. "I've got enough troubles to keep me busy all day."

Under the shower, Sherrie's mind moved out of first gear. She

began mentally ticking off the day's schedu le. Todd, nine, and

Amy, six, would have been a handful even if she weren't a working

mother.

1516 What Are Boundaries?

"Let's see ... fix breakfast, pack two lunches, and finish sewing

Amy's costume for the school play. That will be a trick-finishing

sewing the costume before the car pool picks her up at 7:45A.M."

Sherrie thought regretfully about last night. She'd planned to

work on Amy's costume then, using her talents to make a special

day for her little girl. But her mother had dropped over unexpect-

edly. Good manners dictated that she play hostess, and another eve-

ning was shot. The memories of her attempts to salvage the time

weren't pretty.

Trying to be diplomatic, Sherrie artfully told her mother, "You

can't imagine how much I enjoy your surprise visits, Mom! But I

was wondering, would you mind if I sew Amy's costume while we

talk?" Sherrie cringed inwardly, correctly anticipating her mother's

response.

"Sherrie, you know I'd be the last to intrude on your time with

your family." Sherrie's mother, widowed for twelve years, had el-

evated her widowhood to the status of martyrdom. "I mean, since

your father died, it's been such an empty time. I still miss our family.

How could I deprive you of that for yourself?"

I'll bet I find out how, Sherrie thought to herself.

"That's why I can understand why you don't bring Wait and the

children to see me much anymore. How could I be entertaining? I'm

just a lonely old lady who gave her entire life to her children. Who

would want to spend any time with me?"

"No, Mom, no, no, no!" Sherrie quickly joined the emotional

minuet she and her mom had been dancing for decades. "That's

not what I meant at all! I mean, it's so special having you over.

Goodness knows, with our schedule, we'd like to visit more, but

we just haven't been able to. That's why I'm so glad you took the

initiative!" Lord, don't strike me dead for this little lie, she prayed

silently.

"In fact, I can do the costume any old time," Sherrie said. For-

give me for this lie, too. "Now, why don't I make us some coffee?"

Her mother sighed. "All right, if you insist. But I'd just hate to

think I'm intruding."A Day in a Boundaryless Life 17

The visit lasted well into the night. By the time her mother left,

Sherrie felt absolutely crazy, but she justified it to herself. At least

I've helped make her lonely day a little brighter. Then a pesky voice

piped up. If you helped so much, why was she still talking about

her loneliness when she left? Trying to ignore the thought, Sherrie

went to bed.

6:45A.M.

Sherrie returned to the present. "No use crying over spilt time, I

guess," she mumbled to herself as she struggled to close the zipper of

her black linen skirt. Her favorite suit had become, as many others

had, too tight. Middle-age spread so soon? she thought. This week, I

really have to go on a diet and start exercising.

The next hour was, as usual, a disaster. The kids whined about

getting out of bed, and Walt complained, "Can't you get the kids to

the table on time?"

7:45A.M.

Miraculously, the kids made it to their rides, Walt left for work in

his car, and Sherrie went out and locked the front door after her.

Taking a deep breath, she prayed silently, Lord, I'm not looking

forward to this day. Give me something to hope for. In her car on

the freeway, she finished applying her makeup. Thank the Lord for

traffic jams.

8:45A.M.

Rushing into McAllister Enterprises where she worked as a fashion

consultant, Sherrie glanced at her watch. Only a few minutes late.

Maybe by now her colleagues understood that being late was a way

of life for her and did not expect her to be on time.

She was wrong. They'd started the weekly executive meeting

without her. Sherrie tried to tiptoe in without being noticed, but

every eye was on her as she struggled into her seat. Glancing around,

she gave a fleeting smile and muttered something about "that crazy

traffic."

11:59 A.M.

The rest of Sherrie's morning proceeded fairly well. A talented fash-

ion designer, Sherrie had an unerring eye for attractive clothing and

was a valuable asset to McAllister. The only hitch came just before

lunch.

Her extension rang. "Sherrie Phillips.

"

"Sherrie, thank goodness you're there! I don't know what I'd

have done if you'd been at lunch!" There was no mistaking this

voice. Sherrie had known Lois Thompson since grade school. A

high-strung woman, Lois was always in crisis. Sherrie had always

tried to make herself available to Lois, to "be there for her.

" But

Lois never asked Sherrie how she was doing, and when Sherrie

mentioned her struggles, Lois either changed the subject or had to

leave.

Sherrie genuinely loved Lois and was concerned about her prob-

lems, but Lois seemed more like a client than a friend. Sherrie re-

sented the imbalance in their friendship. As always, Sherrie felt

guilty when she thought about her anger at Lois. As a Christian,

she knew the value the Bible placed on loving and helping others.

There I go again, she would say to herself. Thinking of myself be-

fore others. Please, Lord, let me give to Lois freely and not be so

self-centered .

Sherrie asked, "What's the matter, Lois?"

"It's horrible, just horrible," Lois said.

"Anne was sent home

from school today, Tom was denied his promotion, and my car gave

out on the freeway!"

This is what my life's like every day! Sherrie thought to herself,

feeling the resentment rising. However, she merely said, "Lois, you

poor thing! How are you coping with all of this?"

Lois was happy to answer Sherrie's question in great detail-so

much detail that Sherrie missed half her lunch break consoling her

friend. Well, she thought, fast food's better than no food .

Sitting at the drive-through waiting for her chicken burger, Sher-

rie thought about Lois. If all my listening, consoling, and advice

had made any difference over the years, maybe it would be worth

it. But Lois makes the same mistakes now that she made twenty

years ago. Why do I do this to myself?

4:00P.M.

Sherrie's afternoon passed uneventfully. She was on the way out of

the office to the teacher's meeting when her boss, Jeff Moreland,

flagged her down.

"Glad I caught up with you, Sherrie," he said. A successful figure

at MacAllister Enterprises, Jeff made things happen. Trouble was,

Jeff often used other people to "make things happen." Sherrie could

sense the hundredth verse of the same old song tuning up again.

"Listen, I'm in a time crunch," he said, handing her a large sheaf

of papers. "This is the data for the final recommendations for the

Kimbrough account. All it needs is a little writing and editing. And

it's due tomorrow. But I'm sure it'll be no problem for you." He

smiled ingratiatingly.

Sherrie panicked. Jeff's "editing" needs were legendary. Heft-

ing the papers in her hands, Sherrie saw a minimum of five hours'

work. I had this data in to him three weeks ago! she thought furi-

ously. Where does this man get off having me save his face for his

deadline?

Quickly she composed herself. "Sure, Jeff.It's no problem at all.

Glad I can help. What time do you need it?"

"Nine o'clock would be fine. And ... thanks, Sherrie. I always

think of you first when I'm in a jam. You're so dependable.

" Jeff

strolled away.

Dependable ... faithful ...reliable, Sherrie thought. I've always

been d escribed this way by people who wanted something from

me. Sounds like a description of a good mule.Suddenly the guilt hit

again. There I am, getting resentful again. Lord, help me "bloom

where rm planted." But secretly she found herself wishing she could

be transplanted to another flowerpot.20 What Are Boundaries?

4:30p.m.

Jean Russell was a competent teacher, one of many in the profes-

sion who understood the complex factors beneath a child's problem

behavior. The meeting with Todd's teacher began as so many before,

minus Walt. Todd's father hadn't been able to get off work, so the

two women talked alone.

"He's not a bad child, Sherrie," Mrs. Russell reassured her.

"Todd is a bright, energetic boy. When he minds, he's one of the

most enjoyable kids in the class."

Sherrie waited for the ax to fall. Just get to the point, Jean. I

have a "problem child," don't I? What's new? I have a "problem

life" to go with it.

Sensing Sherrie's discomfort, the teacher pressed ahead. "The

problem is that Todd doesn't respond well to limits. For example,

during our task period, when children work on assignments, Todd

has great difficulty. He gets up from his desk, pesters other kids,

and won't stop talking. When I mention to him that his behavior is

inappropriate, he becomes enraged and obstinate."

Sherrie felt defensive about her only son. "Maybe Todd has an

attention-deficit problem, or he's hyperactive?"

Mrs. Russell shook her head. "When Todd's second-grade

teacher wondered about that last year, psychological testing ruled

that out. Todd stays on task very well when he's interested in the

subject. I'm no therapist, but it seems to me that he's just not used

to responding to rules."

Now Sherrie's defensiveness turned from Todd to herself. "Are

you saying this is some sort of home problem?"

Mrs. Russelllooked uncomfortable. "As I said, I'm not a counselor. I

just know that in third grade, most children resist rules. But Todd is

off the scale. Any time I tell him to do something he doesn't want to

it's World War Ill. And since all his intellectual and cognitive testing

comes out normal, I was just wondering how things were at home?"

Sherrie no longer tried to hold back the tears. She buried her

head in her hands and wept convulsively for a few minutes, feeling

overwhelmed with everything.A Day in a Boundaryless Life 21

Eventually, her crying subsided. "I'm sorry ... I guess this just hit

on a bad day." Sherrie rummaged in her purse for a tissue. "No, no,

it's more than that. Jean, I need to be honest with you. Your prob-

lems with him are the same as mine. Walt and I have a real struggle

making Todd mind at home. When we're playing or talking, Todd

is the most wonderful son I could imagine. But any time I have to

discipline him, the tantrums are more than I can handle. So I guess

I don't have any solutions for you."

Jean nodded her head slowly. "It really helps me, Sherrie, to

know that Todd's behavior is a problem at home, too. At least now

we can put our heads together on a solution.

"

5:15P.M.

Sherrie felt strangely grateful for the afternoon rush-hour traffic.

At least there's no one tugging on me here, she thought. She used

the time to plan around her next crises: kids, dinner, Jeff's project,

church,... and Walt.

6:30P.M.

"For the fourth and last time, dinner's ready!" Sherrie hated to

scream, but what else worked? The kids and Walt always seemed

to shuffle in whenever they felt like it. More often than not, dinner

was cold by the time everyone was assembled.

Sherrie had no clue what the problem was. She knew it wasn't

the food, because she was a good cook. Besides, once they got to the

table, everyone inhaled it in seconds.

Everyone but Amy. Watching her daughter sit silently, picking

distractedly at her food, Sherrie again felt uneasy. Amy was such a

loveable, sensitive child. Why was she so reserved? Amy had never

been outgoing.She preferred to spend her time reading, painting, or

just sitting in her bedroom "thinking about stuff."

"Honey, what kind of stuff?" Sherrie would probe.

"Just stuff," would be the usual reply. Sherrie felt shut out of her

daughter's life.She dreamed of mother-daughter talks, conversations

for "just us girls," shopping trips. But Amy had a secret place deep

inside where no one was ever invited. This unreachable part of her

daughter's heart Sherrie ached to touch.

7:00P.M.

Halfway through dinner, the phone rang. We really need to get an

answering machine to handle calls during dinner,Sherrie thought.

There's precious little time for us to be together as a family any-

more. Then, as if on cue, another familiar thought struck her. It

might be someone who needs me.

As always, Sherrie listened to the second voice in her head and

jumped up from the table to answer the phone. Her heart sank as

she recognized the voice on the other end.

"Hope I'm not disturbing anything," said Phyllis Renfrow, the

women's ministries leader at church.

"Certainly you aren't disturbing anything," Sherrie lied again.

"Sherrie, I'm in deep water," Phyllis said. "Margie was going to

be our activities coordinator at the retreat, and now she's cancelled.

Something about 'priorities at home.' Any way you can pitch in?"

The retreat. Sherrie had almost forgotten that the annual gath-

ering of church women was this weekend. She had actually been

looking forward to leaving the kids and Wait behind and strolling

around the beautiful mountainous area for two days, just herself

and the Lord. In fact, the possibility of solitude felt better to her

than the planned group activities. Taking on Margie's activities co-

ordinator position would mean giving up her precious alone time.

No, it wouldn't work. Sherrie would just have to say...

Automatically, the second thought pattern intervened. What a

privilege to serve God and these women, Sherrie! By giving up a

little portion of your life, by letting go of your selfishness, you can

make a big difference in some lives. Think it over.

Sherrie didn't have to think it over. She'd learned to respond

unquestioningly to this familiar voice, just as she responded to her

mother's, and Phyllis's, and maybe God's, too.Whoever it belonged

to, it was too strong to be ignored. Habit won out.

"I'll be happy to help," Sherrie told Phyllis. "Just send me what-

ever Margie's done, and I'll get working on it."

Phyllis sighed, audibly relieved. "Sherrie, I know it's a sacrifice.

Myself, I have to do it several times, every day. But that's the abun-

dant Christian life, isn't it? Being living sacrifices."

If you say so, thought Sherrie. But she couldn't help wondering

when the "abundant" part would come in.

7:45P.M.

Dinner finally finished, Sherrie watched Walt position himself in

front of the TV for the football game. Todd reached for the phone,

asking if his friends could come over and play. Amy slipped unob-

served to her room.

The dishes stayed on the table. The family hadn't quite gotten the

hang of helping clean up yet. But maybe the kids were still a little

young for that. Sherrie started clearing the dishes from the table.

11:30 P.M.

Years ago, Sherrie could have cleaned up after dinner, gotten the

kids to bed on time, and performed Jeff's handed-off project with

ease. A cup of coffee after dinner and the adrenaline rush that ac-

companied crises and deadlines galvanized Sherrie into superhu-

man feats of productivity. She wasn't called "Super Sherrie" for

nothing!

But it was becoming noticeably harder these days. Stress didn't

work like it used to. More and more, she was having trouble concen-

trating, forgetting dates and deadlines, and not even caring a great

deal about it all.

At any rate, by sheer willpower, she had completed most of her

tasks. Maybe Jeff's project had suffered a little in quality, but she felt

too resentful to feel bad. But I did say yes to jeff, Sherrie thought.

It's not his fault, it's mine. Why couldn't I tell him how unfair it

was for him to lay this on me?

No time for that now.She had to get on with her real task for the

evening: her talk with Walt.24 What Are Boundaries?

Her and Wait's courtship and early marriage had been pleasant.

Where she'd been confused, Walt had been decisive. Where she'd

felt insecure, he'd been strong. Not that Sherrie wasn't contributing

to the marriage. She saw Wait's lack of emotional connectedness,

and she had taken upon herself the job of providing the warmth and

love the relationship lacked. God has put together a good team, she

would tell herself.Wait has the leadership, and I have the love.This

would help her get over the lonely times when he couldn't seem to

understand her hurt feelings.

But over the years, Sherrie noted a shift in the relationship. It

started off subtly, then became more pronounced. She could hear

it in his sarcastic tone when she had a complaint. She saw it in the

lack of respect in his eyes when she tried to tell him about her need

for more support from him. She felt it in his increasingly insistent

demands for her to do things his way.

And his temper. Maybe it was job stress, or having kids. What-

ever it was, Sherrie never dreamed she'd ever hear the cutting, angry

words she heard from the lips of the man she'd married. She didn't

have to cross him much at all to be subjected to the anger-burnt

toast, a checking overdraft, or forgetting to gas up the car-any of

these seemed to be enough.

It all pointed to one conclusion: the marriage was no longer a

team, if it ever had been one. It was a parent-child relationship, with

Sherrie on the wrong end.

At first she thought she was imagining things. There I go again,

looking for trouble when I have a great life, she told herself. That

would help for a while-until Wait's next temper attack. Then her

hurt and sadness would tell her the truth her mind wasn't willing

to accept.

Finally realizing that Wait was a controlling person, Sherrie took

the blame upon herself. I'd be that way, too, if I had a basket case

like me to live with, she'd think. I'm the reason he gets so critical

and frustrated.

These conclusions led Sherrie to a solution she had practiced

for years: "Loving Wait Out of His Anger." This remedy went

something like this: first, Sherrie learned to read Wait's emotions

by watching his temper, body language, and speech. She became

exquisitely aware of his moods, and especially sensitive to things

that could set him off: lateness, disagreements, and her own anger.

As long as she was quiet and agreeable, things went well. But let her

preferences raise their ugly heads and she risked getting her head

lopped off.

Sherrie learned to read Walt well, and quickly. After sensing that

she was crossing an emotional line, she would employ Stage Two of

"Loving Wait": She did an immediate backtrack. Coming around

to his viewpoint (but not really), quietly holding her tongue, or even

outrightly apologizing for being "hard to live with" all helped.

Stage Three of "Loving Wait" was doing special things for him

to show that she was sincere. This might mean dressing more attrac-

tively at home. Or making his favorite meals several times a week.

Didn't the Bible talk about being this kind of wife?

The three steps of "Loving Wait" worked for a time. But the

peace never lasted. The problem with "Loving Wait Out of His

Anger" was that Sherrie was dead tired of trying to soothe Walt out

of his tantrums. Thus, he stayed angry longer, and his anger isolated

her more from him.

Her love for her husband was eroding. She had felt that no mat-

ter how bad things were, God had joined them and that their love

would get them through. But, in the past few years, it was more

commitment than love. When she was honest, she admitted that

many times she could feel nothing at all toward Walt but resentment

and fear.

And that's what tonight was all about. Things needed to change.

Somehow, they needed to rekindle the flames of their first love.

Sherrie walked into the family room. The late-night comedian on

the television screen had just finished his monologue. "Honey, can

we talk?" she asked tentatively.

There was no answer. Moving closer, she saw why. Walt had

fallen asleep on the couch. Thinking about waking Wait up, she

remembered his stinging words the last time she'd been so "insen-

sitive." She turned off the television and lights and walked to the

empty bedroom.26 What Are Boundaries?

11:50 P.M.

Lying in bed, Sherrie couldn't tell which was greater, her loneliness

or her exhaustion. Deciding it was the first, she picked up her Bible

from the bedside table and opened it to the New Testament. Give

me something to hope for, Lord. Please, she prayed silently. Her

eyes fell to the words of Christ in Matthew 5:3-5:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of

heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be com-

forted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."

But Lord, I already fee/like that! Sherrie protested. I feel poor in

spirit. I mourn over my life, my marriage, my children. I try to be

gentle, but I just feel run over all the time.Where is your promise?

Where is your hope? Where are you?

Sherrie waited in the darkened room for an answer. None came.

The only sound was the quiet pit-pat of tears running off her checks

and onto the pages of her Bible.

What's the Problem?

Sherrie tries to live her life the right way. She tries to do a good job

with her marriage, her children, her job, her relationships, and her

Lord. Yet it's obvious that something isn't right. Life isn't working.

Sherrie's in deep spiritual and emotional pain.

Woman or man, we can all identify with Sherrie's dilemma-her

isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her guilt. And, above all,

her sense that her life is out of control.

Look closely at Sherrie's circumstances. Parts of Sherrie's life

may be remarkably similar to your own. Understanding her struggle

may shed light on yours. You can immediately see a few answers

that don't work for Sherrie.

First, trying harder isn't working.Sherrie expends lots of energy

trying to have a successful life. She isn't lazy. Second, being nice out

of fear isn't working. Sherrie's people-pleasing efforts don't seem to

bring her the intimacy she needs. Third, taking responsibility for

others isn't working. A master of taking care of the feelings and

problems of others, Sherrie feels like her life is a miserable failure.

Sherrie's unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and overresponsibil-

ity point to the core problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties

in taking ownership of her life.

Back in the Garden of Eden, God told Adam and Eve about

ownership: " 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and

subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and

over every living creature that moves on the ground'" (Gen. 1:28).

Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibil-

ity for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is

knowing what is our job, and what isn't. Workers who continually

take on duties that aren't theirs will eventually burn out. It takes

wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn't.

We can't do everything.

Sherrie has great difficulty in knowing what things are her re-

sponsibility and what aren't. In her desire to do the right thing, or

to avoid conflict, she ends up taking on problems that God never

intended her to take on: her mother's chronic loneliness, her boss's

irresponsibility, her friend's unending crises, her church leader's guilt-

ridden message of self-sacrifice, and her husband's immaturity.

And her problems don't end there. Sherrie's inability to say no

has significantly affected her son's ability to delay gratification and

behave himself in school, and, in some way, this inability may be

driving her daughter to withdraw.

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a

problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property

lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional,

and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what

is our responsibility and what isn't. As we see in Sherrie's many

struggles, the inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate

times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.

And this is one of the most serious problems facing Christians

today. Many sincere, dedicated believers struggle with tremen-

dous confusion about when it is biblically appropriate to set limits.

When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they raise good

questions:

1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

2. What are legitimate boundaries?

3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy,

or money?

5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting

boundaries?

6. How do boundaries relate to submission?

7. Aren't boundaries selfish?

Misinformation about the Bible's answers to these issues has

led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but

many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety

disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, guilt

problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and relational

struggles, find their root in conflicts with boundaries.

This book presents a biblical view of boundaries: what they are,

what they protect, how they are developed, how they are injured,

how to repair them, and how to use them. This book will answer

the above questions and more. Our goal is to help you use biblical

boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes

that God intends for you as his child.

Sherrie's knowledge of the Scriptures seems to support her lack

of boundaries. This book aims to help you see the deeply biblical

nature of boundaries as they operate in the character of God, his

universe, and his people.