WHAT DOES A BOUNDARY LOOK LIKE?

Proverbs chapter 4








Today we are walking in: What Does A Boundary Look Like?












Deuteronomy 28:2


And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake H5381 thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God.







OVERTAKE



Today we look to the word-OVERTAKE- H5381 nasag--to reach, overtake, take hold upon, attain to, cause to reach, to be able to secure, have enough, overtake








The Torah testifies...............


Deuteronomy 28:45


Moreover all these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue thee, and overtake H5381 thee, till thou be destroyed; because thou hearkenedst not unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded thee:





The prophets proclaim..................



1 Samuel 30:8


And David enquired at the LORD, saying, Shall I pursue after this troop? shall I overtake H5381 them? And he answered him, Pursue: for thou shalt surely H5381 overtake H5381 them, and without fail recover all.







The writings bear witness...........................



Psalm 18:37


I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken H5381 them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed.



What Does a Boundary

Look Like?

(Parents of a twenty-five-year-old man came to see me with

a common request: they wanted me to "fix" their son, Bill.

When I asked where Bill was, they answered, "Oh, he didn't want

to come."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, he doesn't think he has a problem," they replied. "Maybe

he's right," I said, to their surprise. "Tell me about it." They

recited a history of problems that had begun at a very

young age. Bill had never been "quite up to snuff" in their eyes. In

recent years he had exhibited problems with drugs and an inability

to stay in school and find a career.

It was apparent that they loved their son very much and were

heartbroken over the way he was living. They had tried everything

they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all

had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and

keeping questionable company.

They told me that they had always given him everything he

needed. He had plenty of money at school so "he wouldn't have to

work and he would have plenty of time for study and a social life. "

When he flunked out of one school, or stopped going to classes, they

2930 What Are Boundaries?

were more than happy to do everything they could to get him into

another school, "where it might be better for him."

After they had talked for a while, I responded: "I think your son

is right. He doesn't have a problem."

You could have mistaken their expression for a snapshot; they

stared at me in disbelief for a full minute. Finally the father said,

"Did I hear you right? You don't think he has a problem?"

"That's correct," I said. "He doesn't have a problem. You do.

He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay,

you fret, you worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going.

He doesn't have a problem because you have taken it from him.

Those things should be his problem, but as it now stands, they are

yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some

problems?"

They looked at me like I was crazy, but some lights were begin-

ning to go on in their heads.

"What do you mean, 'help him to have

some problems'?" his mother asked.

"Well," I explained, "I think that the solution to this problem

would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause him

problems and not you.

"

"What do you mean, 'boundaries'?" the father asked.

"Look at it this way.It is as if he's your neighbor, who never wa-

ters his lawn. But, whenever you turn on your sprinkler system, the

water falls on his lawn. Your grass is turning brown and dying, but

Bill looks down at his green grass and thinks to himself, 'My yard is

doing fine.' That is how your son's life is. He doesn't study, or plan,

or work, yet he has a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the

rights of a family member who is doing his part.

"If you would define the property lines a little better, if you

would fix the sprinkler system so that the water would fall on your

lawn, and if he didn't water his own lawn, he would have to live in

dirt. He might not like that after a while.

"As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are

responsible and miserable. A little boundary clarification would do

the trick. You need some fences to keep his problems out of your

yard and in his, where they belong.''What Does a Boundary Look Like?

"Isn't that a bit cruel, just to stop helping like that?" the father

asked.

"Has helping him helped?" I asked.

His look told me that he was beginning to understand.

Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility

In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, signs,

walls, moats with alligators, manicured lawns, or hedges are all

physical boundaries. In their differing appearances, they give the

same message: THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. The

owner of the property is legally responsible for what happens on his

or her property. Non-owners are not responsible for the property.

Physical boundaries mark a visible property line that someone

holds the deed to. You can go to the county courthouse and find out

exactly where those boundaries of responsibility are and whom to

call if you have business there.

In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often

harder to see. The goal of this chapter is to help you define your

intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an everpresent real-

ity that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these

boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and

maintain it (Prov. 4:23).

Me and Not Me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A

boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading

me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me

freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do

with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many

different options. However, if I do not "own" my life, my choices

and options become very limited.

Think how confusing it would be if someone told you to "guard

this property diligently, because I will hold you responsible for what

happens here," and then did not tell you the boundaries of the prop-

erty. Or they did not give you the means with which to protect the

property? This would be not only confusing but also potentially

dangerous.

This is exactly what happens to us emotionally and spiritually,

however. God designed a world where we all live "within" our-

selves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for

the things that make up "us." "The heart knows its own bitterness,

and no one shares its joy" (Prov. 14:10). We have to deal with what

is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what that is. If we

are not shown the parameters, or are taught wrong parameters, we

are in for much pain.

The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to

protect them, but often our family, or other past relationships, con-

fuses us about our parameters.

In addition to showing us what we are responsible for, boundar-

ies help us to define what is not on our property and what we are

not responsible for. We are not, for example, responsible for other

people. Nowhere are we commanded to have "other-control," al-

though we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it!

To and For

We are responsible to others and for ourselves. "Carry each other's

burdens," says Galatians 6:2, "and in this way you will fulfill the

law of Christ." This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Many times others have "burdens" that are too big to bear. They

do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the

load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what

they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of

Christ. This is what Christ did for us. He did what we could not do

for ourselves; he saved us. This is being responsible "to.

"

On the other hand, verse 5 says that "each one should carry his

own load." Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can

carry. These things are our own particular "load" that we need to

take daily responsibility for and work out. No one can do certain

things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life

that are our own "load."

The Greek words for burden and load give us insight into the

meaning of these texts. The Greek word for burden means "excess

burdens," or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down.

These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn't be

expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs.

We need help with the boulders-those times of crisis and tragedy

in our lives.

In contrast, the Greek word for load means "cargo," or "the

burden of daily toil." This word describes the everyday things we

all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are pos-

sible to carry. We are expected to carry our own. We are expected

to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as

the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it

;

takes effort.

Problems arise when people act as if their "boulders" are daily

loads, and refuse help, or as if their "daily loads" are boulders they

shouldn't have to carry. The results of these two instances are either

perpetual pain or irresponsibility.

Lest we stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is very important

to determine what "me" is, where my boundary of responsibility

is and where someone else's begins. We will define what we are

responsible for later in this chapter. For now let's look more closely

at the nature of boundaries.

Good In, Bad Out

Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take

care of it. They help us to "guard our heart with all diligence." We

need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep

things that will harm us outside. In short, boundaries help us keep

the good in and the bad out. They guard our treasures (Matt. 7:6)

so that people will not steal them. They keep the pearls inside, and

the pigs outside.34 What Are Boundaries?

Sometimes, we have bad on the inside and good on the outside.

In these instances, we need to be able to open up our boundaries

to let the good in and the bad out. In other words, our fences need

gates in them. For example, if I find that I have some pain or sin

within, I need to open up and communicate it to God and others,

so that I can be healed. Confessing pain and sin helps to "get it out"

so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside (1 John 1:9;

James 5:16; Mark 7:21-23).

And when the good is on the outside, we need to open our gates

and "let it in.

" Jesus speaks of this phenomenon in "receiving" him

and his truth (Rev. 3:20; John 1:12). Other people have good things

to give us, and we need to "open up to them" (2 Cor. 6:11-13).

Often we will close our boundaries to good things from others,

staying in a state of deprivation.

In short, boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that

we are to be "walled off" from others; in fact, it says that we are

to be "one" with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community

with them. But in every community, all members have their own

space and property. The important thing is that property lines be

permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out

danger.

Often, when people are abused while growing up, they reverse

the function of boundaries and keep the bad in and the good out.

When Mary was growing up she suffered abuse from her father. She

was not encouraged to develop good boundaries. As a result, she

would close herself off, holding the pain inside; she would not open

up to express her hurt and get it out of her soul. She also would not

open up to let support from the outside in to heal her. In addition,

she would continually allow others to "dump" more pain into her

soul. Consequently, when she came in for help, she was carrying a

lot of pain, still being abused, and "walled off" from support from

the outside.

She had to reverse the ways her boundaries worked. She needed

fences that were strong enough to keep the bad out and gates in

those fences to let out the bad already in her soul and let in the good

she desperately needed.What Does a Boundary Look Like? 35

God and Boundaries

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God

defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for

himself. He defines and takes responsibility for his personality by

telling us what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes,

and dislikes.

He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from

us. He differentiates himself from others. He tells us who he is and

who he is not. For example, he says that he is love and that he is not

darkness (1John 4:16; 1:6).

In addition, he has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, the

Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct

persons with their own boundaries. Each one has his own person-

hood and responsibilities, as well as a connection and love for one

another (John 17:24).

God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin

and allows consequences for behavior. He guards his house and will

not allow evil things to go on there. He invites people in who will

love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time.

The "gates" of his boundaries open and close appropriately.

In the same way he gave us his "likeness" (Gen. 1:26), he gave

us personal responsibility within limits. He wants us to "rule and

subdue" the earth and to be responsible stewards over the life he has

given us. To do that, we need to develop boundaries like God's.

Examples of Boundaries

Boundaries are anything that helps to differentiate you from some-

one else, or shows where you begin and end. Here are some ex-

amples of boundaries.

Skin

The most basic boundary that defines you is your physical skin.

People often use this boundary as a metaphor for saying that their

personal boundaries have been violated: "He really gets under my

skin." Your physical self is the first way that you learn that you are

separate from others. As an infant, you slowly learn that you are

different from the mother or father who cuddles you.

The skin boundary keeps the good in and the bad out.It protects

your blood and bones, holding them on the inside and all together.

It also keeps germs outside, protecting you from infection. At the

same time skin has openings that let the "good" in, like food, and

the "bad" out, like waste products.

Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have a poor sense of

boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not

really begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do

whatever they wanted. As a result, they have difficulty establishing

boundaries later in life.

Words

In the physical world a fence or some other kind of structure usu-

ally delineates a boundary. In the spiritual world, fences are invis-

ible. Nevertheless, you can create good protective fences with your

words.

The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know

that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you.

Being clear about your no-and your yes-is a theme that runs

throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12).

No is a confrontational word. The Bible says that we are to con-

front people we love, saying, "No, that behavior is not okay. I will

not participate in that.

" The word no is also important in setting

limits on abuse. Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to

others' sinful treatment of us (Matt. 18:15-20).

The Bible also warns us against giving to others "reluctantly or

under compulsion" (2 Cor. 9:7). People with poor boundaries strug-

gle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes

the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone,

they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they pas-

sively comply but inwardly resent. Sometimes a person is pressuring

you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own

sense of what you "should" do. If you cannot say no to this external

or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are

not enjoying the fruit of "self-control."

Your words also define your property for others as you commu-

nicate your feelings, intentions, or dislikes. It is difficult for people

to know where you stand when you do not use words to define your

property. God does this when he says, "I like this and I hate that."

Or, "I will do this, and I will not do that." Your words let people

know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the "edges"

that help ide"ntify you. "I don't like it when you yell at me!" gives

people a clear message about how you conduct relationships and lets

them know the "rules" of your yard.

Truth

Knowing the truth about God and his property puts limits on you

and shows you his boundaries. Realizing the truth of his unchange-

able reality helps you to define yourself in relation to him. When he

says that you will reap what you sow (Gal. 6:7), for example, you

either define yourself in relation to that reality, or continue to get

injured if you try to go against it. To be in touch with God's truth

is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality

makes for a better life (Ps. 119:2, 45).

Satan is the great distorter of reality. Recall in the garden when

he tempted Eve to question God's boundaries and his truth. The

consequences were disastrous.

There is always safety in the truth, whether it be knowing

God's truth or knowing the truth about yourself. Many people live

scattered and tumultuous lives trying to live outside of their own

boundaries, not accepting and expressing the truth of who they are.

Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity,

or oneness.

Geographical Distance

Proverbs 22:3 says that "the prudent man sees the evil and hides

himself." Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation

will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself

physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your

limit, as Jesus often did.

Or, you can remove yourself to get away from danger and put

limits on evil. The Bible urges us to separate from those who con-

tinue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing

yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind

to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior

(Matt. 18:17-18; 1 Cor. 5:11-13).

When a relationship is abusive, many times the only way to finally

show the other person that your boundaries are real is to create space

until they are ready to deal with the problem.The Bible supports the

idea of limiting togetherness for the sake of "binding evil."

Time

Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regain-

ing ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where

boundaries need to be set.

Adult children who have never spiritually and emotionally sepa-

rated from their parents often need time away.They have spent their

whole lives embracing and keeping (Eccl. 3:5-6) and have been

afraid to refrain from embracing and to throw away some of their

outgrown ways of relating. They need to spend some time building

boundaries against the old ways and creating new ways of relating

that for a while may feel alienating to their parents. This time apart

usually improves their relationship with their parents.

Emotional Distance

Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the

space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living.

People who have been in abusive relationships need to find a safe

place to begin to "thaw out" emotionally. Sometimes in abusive

marriages the abused spouse needs to keep emotional distance until

the abusive partner begins to face his or her problems and become

trustworthy.

You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disap-

pointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should

wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been dem-

onstrated before you go back. Many people are too quick to trust

someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the

other is producing "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Luke 3:8}. To

continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted

person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard

your heart until you see sustained change.

Other People

You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries.

People subject to another person's addictions, control, or abuse are

finding that after years and years of "loving too much," they can

find the ability to create boundaries only through a support group.

Their support system is giving them the strength to say no to abuse

and control for the first time in their lives.

There are two reasons why you need others to help with bound-

aries. The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship.

People suffer much to have relationships, and many put up with

abuse because they fear their partners will leave them and they will

be alone if they stand up to them. Fear of being alone keeps many in

hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundar-

ies they will not have any love in their life.

When they open themselves up to support from others, however,

they find that the abusive person is not the only source of love in

the world and that they can find the strength through their support

system to set the limits they need to set. They are no longer alone.

The church of Christ is there to give strength to ward off the blows

against them.

The other reason we need others is because we need new input

and teaching.Many people have been taught by their church or their

family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish. These people

need good biblical support systems to help them stand against the

guilt that comes from the old "tapes" inside that tell them lies to

keep them in bondage. They need supportive others to stand against

the old messages and the guilt involved in change. In Part 11 we will

be discussing in greater detail how to build boundaries in all the

primary relationships in your life. Our point for now is that bound-

aries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves

a support network.

Consequences

Trespassing on other people's property carries consequences. "No

Trespassing" signs usually carry a threat of prosecution if someone

steps over the boundaries. The Bible teaches this principle over and

over, saying that if we walk one way, this will happen, and if we

walk another way, something else will happen.

Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need

to back up our boundaries with consequences. How many marriages

could have been saved if one spouse had followed through with the

threat of "if you don't stop drinking" (or "coming home at mid-

night," or "hitting me," or "yelling at the kids"), I will leave until

you get some treatment!" Or how many young adults' lives would

have been turned around if their parents had followed through with

their threat of "no more money if you quit another job without

having further employment" or "no bed if you continue to smoke

marijuana in my house."

Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that

if anyone will not work, don't let him or her eat. God does not

enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness

(Prov. 16:26).

Consequences give some good "barbs" to fences. They let people

know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our re-

spect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to liv-

ing according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will

fight to protect and guard.

What's Within My Boundaries?

The story of the Good Samaritan is a model of correct behavior in

many dimensions. It is a good illustration of boundaries-when

they should be both observed and violated. Imagine for a moment

how the story might read if the Samaritan were a boundaryless

person.What Does a Boundary Look Like? 41

You know the story. A man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho

was mugged. The robbers stripped him and beat him, leaving him

half dead. A priest and Levite passed by on the other side of the

road, ignoring the hurt man, but a Samaritan took pity on him,

bandaged his wounds, brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

The next day the Samaritan gave the innkeeper some money and

said, "Look after him. When I return, I will reimburse you for any

extra expense you may have."

Let's depart from the familiar story here. Suppose the injured

man wakes up at this point in the story and says:

"What? You're leaving?"

"Yes, I am. I have some business in Jericho I have to attend to,"

the Samaritan replies.

"Don't you think you're being selfish? I'm in pretty bad shape

here. I'm going to need someone to talk to. How is Jesus going to

use you as an example? You're not even acting like a Christian,

abandoning me like this in my time of need! Whatever happened to

'Deny yourself'?"

"Why, I guess you're right," the Samaritan says. "That would

be uncaring of me to leave you here alone. I should do more. I will

postpone my trip for a few days."

So he stays with the man for three days, talking to him and

making sure that he is happy and content. On the afternoon of the

third day, there's a knock at the door and a messenger comes in.

He hands the Samaritan a message from his business contacts in

Jericho: "Waited as long as we could. Have decided to sell camels to

another party. Our next herd will be here in six months."

"How could you do this to me?" the Samaritan screams at the

recovering man, waving the message in the air. "Look what you've

done now! You've caused me to lose those camels that I needed for

my business. Now I can't deliver my goods. This may put me out of

business! How could you do this to me?"

At some level this story may be familiar to all of us. We may be

moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this

person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We

end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in

our own life. Or, we may want more from someone else, and we

pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and

free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they

give. Neither one of us comes out ahead.

To avoid these scenarios, we need to look at what falls within

our boundaries, what we are responsible for.

t=eelings

Feelings have gotten a bad rap in the Christian world. They have

been called everything from unimportant to fle hly. At the same

time, example after example shows how our feelings play an enor-

mous role in our motivation and behavior. How many times have

you seen people do ungodly things to one another because of hurt

feelings? Or how many times has someone had to be hospitalized

for depression after years and years of trying to ignore the way they

felt until they became suicidal?

Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge.The Bible

says to "own" your feelings and be aware of them. They can often

motivate you to do much good. The Good Samaritan's pity moved

him to go to the injured Israelite (Luke 10:33). The father was filled

with compassion for his lost son and threw his arms around him

(Luke 15:20). Many times Jesus "had compassion" for the people to

whom he ministered (Matt. 9:36; 15:32).

Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your

relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there

is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going

well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be ad-

dressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and

you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin

to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

Attitudes and Beliefs

Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the

stance you take toward others, God, life, work, and relationships.

Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. Often we do not see

an attitude, or belief, as the source of discomfort in our life. We

blame other people as did our first parents, Adam and Eve.We need

to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our

property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only

ones who can change them.

The tough thing about attitudes is that we learn them very early

in life. They play a big part in the map of who we are and how

we operate. People who have never questioned their attitudes and

beliefs can fall prey to the dynamic that Jesus referred to when he

described people holding on to the "traditions of men," instead of

the commands of God (Mark 7:8; Matt. 15:3).

People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes

about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for

their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs

repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will

save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24).

Behaviors

Behaviors have consequences. As Paul says, "A man reaps what he

sows" (Gal. 6:7-8).If we study, we will reap good grades.If we go

to work, we will get a paycheck.If we exercise, we will be in better

health. If we act lovingly toward others, we will have closer rela-

tionships. On the negative side, if we sow idleness, irresponsibility,

or out-of-control behavior, we can expect to reap poverty, failure,

and the effects of loose living. These are natural consequences of

our behavior.

The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing

and reaping in another's life. A person's drinking or abuse should

have consequences for the drinker or the abuser. "Stern discipline

awaits him who leaves the path" (Prov. 15:10). To rescue people

from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them

powerless.

This happens a lot with parents and children. Parents often yell

and nag, instead of allowing their children to reap the natural con-

sequences of their behavior. Parenting with love and limits, with

warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a

sense of control over their lives.44 What Are Boundaries?

Choices

We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the

fruit of "self-control" (Gal. 5:23). A common boundary problem is

disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them

on someone else. Think for a moment how often we use the phrases,

"I had to" or "She (he) made me" when explaining why we did or

did not do something. These phrases betray our basic illusion that

we are not active agents in many of our dealings. We think someone

else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility.

We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no mat-

ter how we feel. This keeps us from making choices to give "reluc-

tantly or under compulsion," as 2 Corinthians 9:7 says. Paul would

not even accept a gift that he felt was given because the giver felt he

"had to" give it. He once sent a gift back so "that any favor you do

will be spontaneous and not forced" (Philem. 1:14). Joshua said the

same thing to the people in his famous "choice" verse: "But if serv-

ing the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves

this day whom you will serve" (Josh. 24:15).

Jesus said a similar thing to the worker who was angry about the

wage for which he had agreed to work: "Friend, I am not being un-

fair to you. Didn't you agree to work for a denarius?" (Matt. 20:13).

The man had made a free choice to work for a certain amount and

was angry because someone who had worked fewer hours had got-

ten the same wage.

Another example is the prodigal son's brother, who had chosen

to stay home and serve and then was resentful. Not satisfied with

his choice, he needed to be reminded that he made a choice to stay

home.

Throughout the Scriptures, people are reminded of their choices

and asked to take responsibility for them. Like Paul says, if we

choose to live by the Spirit, we will live; if we choose to follow our

sinful nature, we will die (Rom. 8:13). Making decisions based on

others' approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sin-

ful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we "should"

do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of

compulsion.What Does a Boundary Look Like? 45

Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for

your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one

who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who

may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be

happy with.

Values

What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we

do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in

valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of God (John

12:43); because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life. We

think that power, riches, and pleasure will satisfy our deepest long-

ing, which is really for love.

When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused

by loving the wrong things, or valuing things that have no lasting

value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that

will not satisfy, we can receive help from God and his people to

"create a new heart" within us. Boundaries help us not to deny but

to own our old hurtful values so God can change them.

Limits

Two aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better

boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. This is the compo-

nent that we most often hear about when we talk about boundaries.

In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can't do that.

What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who

are behaving poorly; we can't change them or make them behave

right.

Our model is God. He does not really "set limits" on people to

"make them" behave. God sets standards, but he lets people be who

they are and then separates himself from them when they misbe-

have, saying in effect, "You can be that way if you choose, but you

cannot come into my house." Heaven is a place for the repentant,

and all are welcome.

But God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as

should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves

from people who act in destructive ways (Matt. 18:15-17; 1 Cor.

5:9-13). We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects

love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy

love.

The other aspect of limits that is helpful when talking about

boundaries is setting our own internal limits.We need to have spaces

inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire,

without acting it out. We need self-control without repression.

We need to be able to say no to ourselves. This includes both our

destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue

at a given time. Internal structure is a very important component of

boundaries and identity, as well as ownership, responsibility, and

self-control.

Talents

Contrast these two responses:

"Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faith-

ful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.

Come and share your master's happiness!"

"You wicked, lazy servant!So you knew that I harvest where

I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well

then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bank-

ers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with

interest.Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has

the ten talents." (Matt. 25:23, 26-28)

No other passage better illustrates God-ordained responsibility

for ownership and use of talents. Although the example is of money,

it also applies to internal talents and gifts. Our talents are clearly

within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking owner-

ship of them is often frightening and always risky.

The parable of the talents says that we are accountable-not to

mention much happier-when we are exercising our gifts and being

productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and

grace to overcome the fear of failure that the "wicked and lazy"

servant gave in to. He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all

afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised

for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could. Not con-

fronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving

of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Thoughts

Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of

God. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. We are

the only creatures who are called to love God with all our mind

(Mark 12:30). And Paul wrote that he was taking "captive every

thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). Establishing

boundaries in thinking involves three things.

1. We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken

ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically

thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. They

swallow others' opinions and reasonings, never questioning and

"thinking about their thinking." Certainly we should listen to the

thoughts of others and weigh them; but we should never "give our

minds" over to anyone. We are to weigh things for ourselves in

the context of relationship, "sharpening" each other as iron, but

remaining separate thinkers.

2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. One area

in which we need to grow is in knowledge of God and his Word.

David said of knowing God's Word, "My soul is consumed with

longing for your laws at all times. Your statutes are my delight; they

are my counselors" (Ps.119:20, 24). We also learn much about God

by studying his creation and his work. In learning about his world,

we obey the commandment to "rule and subdue" the earth and all

that is within it. We must learn about the world that he has given us

to become wise stewards. Whether we are doing brain surgery, bal-

ancing our checkbook, or raising children, we are to use our brains

to have better lives and glorify God.

3. We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have a tendency to

not see things clearly, to think and perceive in distorted ways. Prob-

ably the easiest distortions to notice are in personal relationships.

We rarely see people as they really are; our perceptions are distorted

by past relationships and our own preconceptions of who we think

they are, even the people we know best. We do not see clearly be-

cause of the "logs" in our eyes (Matt. 7:3-5).

Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being

active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we assimilate

new information, our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality.

Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our

thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to

read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustra-

tion. Even Paul says, "For who among men knows the thoughts of

a man except the man's spirit within him?" (1 Cor. 2:11). What a

great statement about boundaries!We have our own thoughts, and

if we want others to know them, we must tell them.

Desires

Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different de-

sires and wants, dreams and wishes, goals and plans, hungers and

thirsts. We all want to satisfy "me." But why are there so few satis-

fied "me's" around?

Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries

within our personality. We can't define who the r:::l "me" is and

what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing.

They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires. For

example, many sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences, but

what they really desire is love and affection.

James writes about this problem of not owning and seeking our

real desires with pure motives: "You want something but don't get it.

You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel

and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you

ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that

you may spend what you get on your pleasures" (James 4:2-3).

We often do not actively seek our desires from God, and those

desires are mixed up with things that we do not really need. God

is truly interested in our desires; he made them. Consider the fol-

lowing: "You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not

withheld the request of his lips. You welcomed him with rich bless-

ings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head" (Ps. 21:2-3).

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of

your heart" (Ps. 37:4). "He fulfills the desires of those who fear

him" (Ps. 145:19).

God loves to give gifts to his children, but he is a wise parent.

He wants to make sure his gifts are right for us. To know what to

ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and what are

our real motives. If we are wanting something to feed our pride or

to enhance our ego, I doubt that God is interested in giving it to us.

But if it would be good for us, he's very interested.

We are also commanded to play an active role in seeking our

desires (Phil. 2:12-13; Ecc. 11:9; Matt. 7:7-11). We need to own

our desires and pursue them to find fulfillment in life. "A desire

accomplished is sweet to the soul" (Prov. 13:19 KJV), but it sure is a

lot of work!

Love

Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart

that God has fashioned in his image is the center of our being. Its

abilities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are

crucial to life.

Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of

hurt and fear. Having closed their heart to others, they feel empty

and meaningless. The Bible is clear about both functions of the heart:

the receiving of grace and love inward and the flow outward.

Listen to how the Bible tells how we should love: "Love the Lord

your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all

your mind.... Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22:37, 39).

And how we should receive love: "We have spoken freely to you,

Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not with-

holding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from

us. As a fair exchange- I speak as to my children-open wide your

hearts also" (2 Cor. 6:11-13).

Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well

as an outflow of lifeblood. And like its physical counterpart, our

heart is a muscle, a trust muscle.This trust muscle needs to be used

and exercised; if it is injured it will slow down or weaken.

We need to take responsibility for this loving function of our-

selves and use it. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us.

Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love.

They have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their

loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. Often they

will say, "Others' love can not 'get in."' This statement negates their

responsibility to respond. We maneuver subtly to avoid responsibil-

ity in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on

our weaknesses in that area. It will open up life to us.

We need to take responsibility for all of the above areas of our souls.

These lie within our boundaries. But taking care of what lies within

our boundaries isn't easy; neither is allowing other people to take

care of what lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and

maintaining them is hard work. But, as you'll see in the next chap-

ter, boundary problems take some very recognizable shapes.