BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

Proverbs chapter 4








Today we are walking in: Boundary Problems










2 Samuel 22:37


Thou hast enlarged H7337 my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.








ENLARGE







Today we look to the word-ENLARGE-H7337 rachab--to be or grow wide, be or grow large; to be widened, be enlarged









The Torah testifies...............



Deuteronomy 19:8


And if the LORD thy God enlarge H7337 thy coast, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers, and give thee all the land which he promised to give unto thy fathers;










The prophets proclaim..................



Isaiah 54:2




Enlarge H7337 the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;









The writings bear witness...........................





Psalm 119:32


I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge H7337 my heart.

Boundary Problems

Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on biblical

boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, "I understand

that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband's the

One who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn't he have a

Problem with boundaries?"

It's easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems

as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who

has the boundary problem; however, people who don't respect oth-

ers' limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may

have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn't

respected her limits.

In this chapter, we'll categorize the main types of boundary prob-

lems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts.

You'll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those

who "can't say no."

Compliants:Saying "Yes" to the Bad

"May I tell you something embarrassing?" Robert asked me. A new

client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much dif-

ficulty refusing his wife's constant demands. He was going broke

trying to keep up with the Joneses.



"I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children.

There was a strange double standard in my house involving physi-

cal fighting." Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. "My

sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth

grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They'd take advantage of

their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean,

they really hurt me.

"The strangest part of it all was my parents' attitude. They'd tell

us, 'Robert is the boy. Boys don't hit girls. It's bad manners.' Bad

manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad

manners?" Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing,

but he'd said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his

conflicts with his wife.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying

no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as

they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world

that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipula-

tive, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.

To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the

power to say things like:

• "No."

• "I disagree.''

• "I will not."

• "I choose not to."

• "Stop that."

• "It hurts."

• "It's wrong."

• "That's bad.''

• "I don't like it when you touch me there."

Blocking a child's ability to say no handicaps that child for life.

Adults with handicaps like Robert's have this first boundary injury:

they say yes to bad things.

This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant

people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they "melt" into the

demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct



from people who want something from them. Compliants, for ex-

ample, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends

do "just to get along." They minimize their differences with others

so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while

it's hard to distinguish them from their environment.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it

keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from rec-

ognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they're

in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emo-

tional "radar" is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts

(Prov. 4:23).

This type of boundary problem paralyzes people's no muscles.

Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word

catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different

reasons:

• Fear of hurting the other person's feelings

• Fear of abandonment and separateness

• A wish to be totally dependent on another

• Fear of someone else's anger

• Fear of punishment

• Fear of being shamed

• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish

• Fear of being unspiritual

• Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience

This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have

an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things

God himself doesn't condemn them for. As Paul says, "Since their

conscience is weak, it is defiled" (1 Cor. 8:7}. Afraid to confront

their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate

boundaries.

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a

harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience

translates into an inability to confront others-a saying yes to the

bad-because it would cause more guilt.54 What Are Boundaries?

Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of

compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires "compassion, and

not sacrifice" (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compli-

ant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the out-

side and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too

many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but

because they are afraid.

Avoidants: Saying "No" to the Good

The living room suddenly became very quiet. The Bible study group

that had been meeting at the Craigs' house for six months had sud-

denly become more intimate. Tonight the five couples began to share

real struggles in their lives, not just the usual "please pray for Aunt

Sarah" requests. Tears were shed, and genuine support, not just

well-meaning advice, was offered. Everyone, except the hostess, Ra-

chel Henderson, had taken a turn talking.

Rachel had been the driving force behind the formation of the

Bible study. She and her husband, Joe, had developed the format,

invited the other couples, and opened up their home to the study.

Caught up in her leadership role, however, Rachel never opened up

about her struggles. She shied away from such opportunities, prefer-

ring instead to help draw out others. Tonight the others waited.

Rachel cleared her throat. Looking around the room, she finally

spoke, "After hearing all the other problems in the room, I think

the Lord's speaking to me. He seems to be saying that my issues

are nothing compared to what you all deal with. It would be self-

ish to take up time with the little struggles I face. So ... who'd like

dessert?"

No one spoke. But disappointment was evident on each face.

Rachel had again avoided an opportunity for others to love her as

they'd been loved by her.

This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the

good. It's the inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs,

to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do

not ask for the support of others.



Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the strug-

gle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed

to be able to "breathe," to be like fences with a gate that can let the

good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can

let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.

God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should

have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destruc-

tive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close

him off:

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears

my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him,

and he with me." (Rev. 3:20)

God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can

relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust.

It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance.

Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost

impossible.

The impermeable boundaries of avoidants cause a rigidity to-

ward their God-given needs. They experience their problems and

legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful.

Some people, like Marti, are both compliants and avoidants. In

a recent session, Marti laughed ruefully at herself. "I'm beginning

to see a pattern here. When someone needs four hours with me, I

can't say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can't ask for

it. Isn't there a transistor in my head that I can replace?"

Marti's dilemma is shared by many adults. She says "yes" to the

bad (compliant} and says "no" to the good (avoidant}. Individuals

who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they

are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others.

They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to

replace the lost energy.

Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called "reversed bound-

aries." They have no boundaries where they need them, and they

have boundaries where they shouldn't have them.56 What Are Boundaries?

Controllers:Not Respecting Others' Boundaries

"What do you mean, you're quitting? You can't leave now!" Steve

looked across his desk at his administrative assistant. Frank had

been working for Steve for several years and was finally fed up. He

had given his all to the position, but Steve didn't know when to

back off.

Time after time, Steve would insist on Frank's spending unpaid

time at the office on important projects. Frank had even switched

his vacation schedule twice at Steve's insistence. But the final straw

was when Steve began calling Frank at home. An occasional call at

home Frank could understand. But almost every day, during dinner-

time, the family would wait while Frank had a telephone conference

with his boss.

Several times Frank had tried to talk with Steve about the time

violations. But Steve never really understood how burned out Frank

was. After all, he needed Frank. Frank made him look successful.

And it was so easy to get him to work harder.

Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To

Steve, no is simply a challenge to change the other person's mind.

This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can't respect

others' limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives,

so they need to control others.

Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people:

no means maybe, and maybe means yes. While this may be pro-

ductive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a re-

lationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and

aggress1ve.

The primary problem of individuals who can't hear no-which

is different from not being able to say no-is that they tend to

project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various

means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by

God to be theirs alone.

Remember the "boulder and knapsack" illustration in chapter 2?

Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual

responsibilities) in addition to their boulders (crises and crushing

burdens). Had Steve shouldered the weight of his own job, Frank

would have been happy to pitch in extra hours from time to time.

But the pressure of covering for Steve's irresponsibility made a tal-

ented professional look elsewhere for work.

Controllers come in two types:

1. Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don't listen to

others' boundaries. They run over other people's fences like a tank.

They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive.

But most of the time they simply aren't aware that others even have

boundaries. It's as if they live in a world of yes. There's no place for

someone else's no. They attempt to get others to change, to make

the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their

own responsibility to accept others as they are.

Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling

the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection.

Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked

Peter, saying, "Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the

things of God, but the things of men" (Mark 8:33).

Peter didn't want to accept the Lord's boundaries. Jesus immedi-

ately confronted Peter's violation of his boundaries.

2. Manipulative controllers.Less honest than the aggressive con-

trollers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries.

They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances

to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens.

They use guilt messages.

Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into white-

washing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege

that kids were lined up to paint!

Isaac's son Jacob finagled his twin brother Esau into giving up

his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34) and, with his mother's help, deceived

his father into bestowing Esau's blessing on him (Gen. 27:1-29). In

fact, Jacob's name means "deceiver." Numerous times he used his

cleverness to avoid others' boundaries.

The event that helped Jacob work out of his manipulative

boundarylessness was his confrontation with God in human form

(Gen. 32:24-32). God "wrestled" with him all night long and then58 What Are Boundaries?

changed his name to Israel. The word Israel means "he who fights

with God." God left Jacob with a dislocated thigh.

And Jacob changed. He became less deceitful and more honest.

His aggressiveness was clearer, as evidenced by his new name. He

was owning his feistiness. Only when the manipulative controller

is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it,

repent of it, and accept his and others' limits.

Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they brush

aside their own self-centeredness. They are like the adulterous

woman in Proverbs: "She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've

done nothing wrong'" (30:20).

Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be control-

lers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive.

When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example,

they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving,

they'll receive love. So then they wait, anticipating the return of the

favor. And sometimes they wait for years. Especially if they per-

formed the favor for someone who can't read minds.

What's wrong with this picture? It's not a picture of love. The

love that God talks about doesn't seek a return on its investment:

"It is not self-seeking" (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that

they'll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling

someone else.If you've ever been on the "receiving" end of that kind

of maneuver, you'll understand. One minute you've taken the com-

pliment, or favor-the next minute you've hurt someone's feelings

by not figuring out the price tag attached.

Boundary Injuries

At this point, you might be saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. How

can controllers be called 'injured'? They are the injurers, not the

injured!" Indeed, controllers do lots of damage to others, but they

also have boundary problems. Let's see what goes on underneath.

Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to

curb their impulses or desires.While it appears that they "get what

they want in life," they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying

gratification is difficult for them. That's why they hate the word no

from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundar-

ies of others to help them observe their own.

Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility

for owning their lives.Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they

can't function on their own in the world. The only remedy is to let

controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.

Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of

fear, guilt, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel

loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the

only reason people spend time with them is because they are pull-

ing the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they

would be abandoned. And, at some deep level, they are aware of

their isolation. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out

fear" (1John 4:18). We can't terrorize or make others feel guilty and

be loved by them at the same time.

Nonresponsives:Not l-learing the Needs of Others

Brenda's hand trembled as she talked. "Usually I've got pretty thick

skin with Mike. But I guess the past couple of weeks of kid problems

and work stresses had me feeling very vulnerable. This time his re-

sponse didn't make me angry. It just hurt. And it hurt bad."

Brenda was recounting a recent marital struggle. Overall, she

thought her marriage to Mike was a good one. He was a good pro-

vider, an active Christian, and a competent father. Yet the relation-

ship allowed no room for her hurts or needs.

The incident Brenda was discussing began in a fairly benign

manner. She and Mike were talking in the bedroom after putting

the kids to bed. Brenda began to unburden her fears about child

rearing and her feelings of inadequacy at work.

Without warning, Mike turned to her and said, "If you don't like

the way you feel, change your feelings. Life's tough. So just ... just

handle it, Brenda."

Brenda was devastated. She felt she should have expected the

rebuff. It wasn't that easy to express her neediness in the first place,

especially with Mike's coldness. Now she felt as if he had chopped60 What Are Boundaries?

her feelings to bits. He seemed to have no understanding whatsoever

of her struggles-and didn't want to.

How could this be a boundary problem? Isn't it just basic in-

sensitivity? Partially. But it's not quite that simple. Remember that

boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what

we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn't take on the

responsibility of others' feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do

have certain responsibilities to each other.

Mike does have a responsibility to connect with Brenda, not

only as a provider and as a parenting partner, but also as a loving

husband. Connecting emotionally with Brenda is part of loving her

as himself (Eph. 5:28, 33). He isn't responsible for her emotional

well-being. But he is responsible to her. His inability to respond to

her needs is a neglect of his responsibility.

Termed "nonresponsives" because of their lack of attention to

the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite

of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV}: "Do not withhold

good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do

it" (that last phrase, "in your power," has to do with our resources

and availability). Another key Scripture here is "If it is possible, so

far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Rom. 12:18 NRSV).

Again, note the condition: "so far as it depends on you": we can't

bring peace to someone who doesn't accept it!

Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsi-

ble to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God

places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate

resources can be a boundary conflict.

Nonresponsives fall into one of two groups:

1. Those with a critical spirit toward others' needs (a projection

of our own hatred of our needs onto others, a problem Jesus ad-

dressed in Matthew 7:1-5). They hate being incomplete in them-

selves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.

2. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs

they exclude others (a form of narcissism).

Don't confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of tak-

ing responsibility for one's own needs first so that one is able to love

others: "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests,

but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4). God wants us to take

care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a

crisis ourselves.

Controllers and Nonresponsives

Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past them-

selves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on

the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward

someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too

many responsibilities in the relationship and who won't complain

about it. It's like the old joke about relationships: What happens

when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive

person? Answer: they get married!

Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for

someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out

of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a con-

trolling nonresponsive? And controlling nonresponsives search for

someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a

compliant avoidant?

Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems.

1 It will

help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which you may

struggle.

Summary

of Boundary Problems

CAN'T SAY CAN'T 1-li:;:AR

NO The Compliant Feels

guilty and/or

controlled by others;

ca tsetboundaries

The Controller

Aggressively or

manipulatively

violates boundari

es of

others

YES The Nonresponsive

Sets boundaries

against responsibility

to love

The Avoidant Sets

boundaries against

receiving care

of others62 What Are Boundaries?

Functional and Relational Boundary Issues

A final boundary problem involves the distinction between func-

tional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries refers to a

person's ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do

with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning. Relational

boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom

we are in relationship.

Another way of looking at it is that functional boundaries refer

to our "Martha" parts, and relational, our "Mary" parts (Luke

10:38-42). Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. Martha pre-

pared dinner, while Mary sat at Jesus' feet. When Martha com-

plained about Mary's not helping her, Jesus said: "Mary has chosen

what is better" (v. 42). He didn't mean that Martha's busyness was

bad; it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Many people have good functional boundaries, but poor rela-

tional ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of

competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don't

like their chronic lateness. The reverse can also be true.Some people

can be absolutely honest with others about their complaints and

dislikes but be unable to get up for work in the morning!

We've taken a look at the different categories of boundaries. But how

do you develop boundaries? Why do some people seem to have natu-

ral boundaries and others have no boundaries at all? As with many

things, it has a lot to do with the family in which you grew up.