With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 49 ― Malchut of Malchut: Nobility in Nobility
Examine the sovereignty of your sovereignty. Does it come from deep-rooted inner confidence in myself? Or is it just a put-on to mask my insecurities? Does that cause my sovereignty to be excessive? Am I aware of my uniqueness as a person? Of my personal contribution?
Exercise for the day: Take a moment and concentrate on yourself, on your true inner self, not on your performance and how you project to others; and be at peace with yourself knowing that The Most High created a very special person which is you.
ה HE
33 Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your statutes,
And I shall keep it to the end.
34 Give me understanding, and I shall keep Your law;
Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart.
35 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,
For I delight in it.
36 Incline my heart to Your testimonies,
And not to covetousness.
37 Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things,
And revive me in Your way.
38 Establish Your word to Your servant,
Who is devoted to fearing You.
39 Turn away my reproach which I dread,
For Your judgments are good.
40 Behold, I long for Your precepts;
Revive me in Your righteousness.
The Divine destiny connection, the chain that links us together.
Friday, May 30, 2025
Thursday, May 29, 2025
OMER WEEK 7- DAY 48
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 48 ― Yesod of Malchut: Bonding in Nobility
Jude 20-25
Examine the bonding aspect of your sovereignty. Healthy independence should not prevent you from bonding with another person. On the contrary: self-confidence allows you to respect and trust another's sovereignty and ultimately bond with him. That bond will strengthen your own sovereignty, rather than sacrifice it.
Does my sovereignty prevent me from bonding? Could that be because of deeper insecurities of which I am unaware? Do I recognize the fact that a fear of bonding reflects a lack of self-confidence in my own sovereignty?
Exercise for the day: Actualize your sovereignty by intensifying your bond with a close one.
ד DALETH
25 My soul clings to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
26 I have declared my ways, and You answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
27 Make me understand the way of Your precepts;
So shall I meditate on Your wonderful works.
28 My soul melts from heaviness;
Strengthen me according to Your word.
29 Remove from me the way of lying,
And grant me Your law graciously.
30 I have chosen the way of truth;
Your judgments I have laid before me.
31 I cling to Your testimonies;
O Lord, do not put me to shame!
32 I will run the course of Your commandments,
For You shall enlarge my heart.
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
OMER WEEK 7- DAY 47
Omer Journal
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 47 ― Hod of Malchut: Humility in Nobility
1 John 4: 4-6
Sovereignty is The Most High's gift to each individual. Hod of Malchut is the humble appreciation of this exceptional gift. Does my sovereignty and independence humble me? Am I an arrogant leader? Do I appreciate the special qualities I was blessed with?
Exercise for the day: Acknowledge The Most High for creating you with personal dignity
ג GIMEL
17 Deal bountifully with Your servant,
That I may live and keep Your word.
18 Open my eyes, that I may see
Wondrous things from Your law.
19 I am a stranger in the earth;
Do not hide Your commandments from me.
20 My soul breaks with longing
For Your judgments at all times.
21 You rebuke the proud—the cursed,
Who stray from Your commandments.
22 Remove from me reproach and contempt,
For I have kept Your testimonies.
23 Princes also sit and speak against me,
But Your servant meditates on Your statutes.
24 Your testimonies also are my delight
And my counselors.
Tuesday, May 27, 2025
OMER WEEK 7- DAY 46
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 46 ― Netzach of Malchut: Endurance in Nobility
Ephesians 6:14-18
A person's dignity and a leader's success are tested by his endurance level. Will and determination reflect the power and majesty of the human spirit. How determined am I in reaching my goals? How strong is my conviction to fight for a dignified cause? How confident am I in myself? Is my lack of endurance a result of my low self-esteem? Do I mask my insecurities by finding other excuses for my low endurance level?
Exercise for the day: Act on something that you believe in but have until now been tentative about. Take the leap and just do it!
ב BETH
9 How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
10 With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
11 Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
12 Blessed are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statutes.
13 With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
14 I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
15 I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
16 I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 46 ― Netzach of Malchut: Endurance in Nobility
Ephesians 6:14-18
A person's dignity and a leader's success are tested by his endurance level. Will and determination reflect the power and majesty of the human spirit. How determined am I in reaching my goals? How strong is my conviction to fight for a dignified cause? How confident am I in myself? Is my lack of endurance a result of my low self-esteem? Do I mask my insecurities by finding other excuses for my low endurance level?
Exercise for the day: Act on something that you believe in but have until now been tentative about. Take the leap and just do it!
ב BETH
9 How can a young man cleanse his way?
By taking heed according to Your word.
10 With my whole heart I have sought You;
Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments!
11 Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.
12 Blessed are You, O Lord!
Teach me Your statutes.
13 With my lips I have declared
All the judgments of Your mouth.
14 I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies,
As much as in all riches.
15 I will meditate on Your precepts,
And contemplate Your ways.
16 I will delight myself in Your statutes;
I will not forget Your word.
Monday, May 26, 2025
BOUNDARY PROBLEMS
Proverbs chapter 4
Today we are walking in: Boundary Problems
2 Samuel 22:37
Thou hast enlarged H7337 my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.
ENLARGE
Today we look to the word-ENLARGE-H7337 rachab--to be or grow wide, be or grow large; to be widened, be enlarged
The Torah testifies...............
Deuteronomy 19:8
And if the LORD thy God enlarge H7337 thy coast, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers, and give thee all the land which he promised to give unto thy fathers;
The prophets proclaim..................
Isaiah 54:2
Enlarge H7337 the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
The writings bear witness...........................
Psalm 119:32
I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge H7337 my heart.
Boundary Problems
Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on biblical
boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, "I understand
that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband's the
One who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn't he have a
Problem with boundaries?"
It's easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems
as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who
has the boundary problem; however, people who don't respect oth-
ers' limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may
have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn't
respected her limits.
In this chapter, we'll categorize the main types of boundary prob-
lems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts.
You'll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those
who "can't say no."
Compliants:Saying "Yes" to the Bad
"May I tell you something embarrassing?" Robert asked me. A new
client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much dif-
ficulty refusing his wife's constant demands. He was going broke
trying to keep up with the Joneses.
"I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children.
There was a strange double standard in my house involving physi-
cal fighting." Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. "My
sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth
grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They'd take advantage of
their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean,
they really hurt me.
"The strangest part of it all was my parents' attitude. They'd tell
us, 'Robert is the boy. Boys don't hit girls. It's bad manners.' Bad
manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad
manners?" Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing,
but he'd said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his
conflicts with his wife.
When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying
no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as
they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world
that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipula-
tive, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.
To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the
power to say things like:
• "No."
• "I disagree.''
• "I will not."
• "I choose not to."
• "Stop that."
• "It hurts."
• "It's wrong."
• "That's bad.''
• "I don't like it when you touch me there."
Blocking a child's ability to say no handicaps that child for life.
Adults with handicaps like Robert's have this first boundary injury:
they say yes to bad things.
This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant
people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they "melt" into the
demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct
from people who want something from them. Compliants, for ex-
ample, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends
do "just to get along." They minimize their differences with others
so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while
it's hard to distinguish them from their environment.
The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it
keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from rec-
ognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they're
in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emo-
tional "radar" is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts
(Prov. 4:23).
This type of boundary problem paralyzes people's no muscles.
Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word
catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different
reasons:
• Fear of hurting the other person's feelings
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
• A wish to be totally dependent on another
• Fear of someone else's anger
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of being shamed
• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
• Fear of being unspiritual
• Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience
This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have
an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things
God himself doesn't condemn them for. As Paul says, "Since their
conscience is weak, it is defiled" (1 Cor. 8:7}. Afraid to confront
their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate
boundaries.
When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a
harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience
translates into an inability to confront others-a saying yes to the
bad-because it would cause more guilt.54 What Are Boundaries?
Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of
compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires "compassion, and
not sacrifice" (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compli-
ant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the out-
side and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too
many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but
because they are afraid.
Avoidants: Saying "No" to the Good
The living room suddenly became very quiet. The Bible study group
that had been meeting at the Craigs' house for six months had sud-
denly become more intimate. Tonight the five couples began to share
real struggles in their lives, not just the usual "please pray for Aunt
Sarah" requests. Tears were shed, and genuine support, not just
well-meaning advice, was offered. Everyone, except the hostess, Ra-
chel Henderson, had taken a turn talking.
Rachel had been the driving force behind the formation of the
Bible study. She and her husband, Joe, had developed the format,
invited the other couples, and opened up their home to the study.
Caught up in her leadership role, however, Rachel never opened up
about her struggles. She shied away from such opportunities, prefer-
ring instead to help draw out others. Tonight the others waited.
Rachel cleared her throat. Looking around the room, she finally
spoke, "After hearing all the other problems in the room, I think
the Lord's speaking to me. He seems to be saying that my issues
are nothing compared to what you all deal with. It would be self-
ish to take up time with the little struggles I face. So ... who'd like
dessert?"
No one spoke. But disappointment was evident on each face.
Rachel had again avoided an opportunity for others to love her as
they'd been loved by her.
This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the
good. It's the inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs,
to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do
not ask for the support of others.
Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the strug-
gle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed
to be able to "breathe," to be like fences with a gate that can let the
good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can
let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.
God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should
have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destruc-
tive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close
him off:
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears
my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him,
and he with me." (Rev. 3:20)
God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can
relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust.
It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance.
Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost
impossible.
The impermeable boundaries of avoidants cause a rigidity to-
ward their God-given needs. They experience their problems and
legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful.
Some people, like Marti, are both compliants and avoidants. In
a recent session, Marti laughed ruefully at herself. "I'm beginning
to see a pattern here. When someone needs four hours with me, I
can't say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can't ask for
it. Isn't there a transistor in my head that I can replace?"
Marti's dilemma is shared by many adults. She says "yes" to the
bad (compliant} and says "no" to the good (avoidant}. Individuals
who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they
are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others.
They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to
replace the lost energy.
Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called "reversed bound-
aries." They have no boundaries where they need them, and they
have boundaries where they shouldn't have them.56 What Are Boundaries?
Controllers:Not Respecting Others' Boundaries
"What do you mean, you're quitting? You can't leave now!" Steve
looked across his desk at his administrative assistant. Frank had
been working for Steve for several years and was finally fed up. He
had given his all to the position, but Steve didn't know when to
back off.
Time after time, Steve would insist on Frank's spending unpaid
time at the office on important projects. Frank had even switched
his vacation schedule twice at Steve's insistence. But the final straw
was when Steve began calling Frank at home. An occasional call at
home Frank could understand. But almost every day, during dinner-
time, the family would wait while Frank had a telephone conference
with his boss.
Several times Frank had tried to talk with Steve about the time
violations. But Steve never really understood how burned out Frank
was. After all, he needed Frank. Frank made him look successful.
And it was so easy to get him to work harder.
Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To
Steve, no is simply a challenge to change the other person's mind.
This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can't respect
others' limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives,
so they need to control others.
Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people:
no means maybe, and maybe means yes. While this may be pro-
ductive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a re-
lationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and
aggress1ve.
The primary problem of individuals who can't hear no-which
is different from not being able to say no-is that they tend to
project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various
means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by
God to be theirs alone.
Remember the "boulder and knapsack" illustration in chapter 2?
Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual
responsibilities) in addition to their boulders (crises and crushing
burdens). Had Steve shouldered the weight of his own job, Frank
would have been happy to pitch in extra hours from time to time.
But the pressure of covering for Steve's irresponsibility made a tal-
ented professional look elsewhere for work.
Controllers come in two types:
1. Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don't listen to
others' boundaries. They run over other people's fences like a tank.
They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive.
But most of the time they simply aren't aware that others even have
boundaries. It's as if they live in a world of yes. There's no place for
someone else's no. They attempt to get others to change, to make
the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their
own responsibility to accept others as they are.
Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling
the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection.
Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked
Peter, saying, "Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the
things of God, but the things of men" (Mark 8:33).
Peter didn't want to accept the Lord's boundaries. Jesus immedi-
ately confronted Peter's violation of his boundaries.
2. Manipulative controllers.Less honest than the aggressive con-
trollers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries.
They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances
to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens.
They use guilt messages.
Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into white-
washing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege
that kids were lined up to paint!
Isaac's son Jacob finagled his twin brother Esau into giving up
his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34) and, with his mother's help, deceived
his father into bestowing Esau's blessing on him (Gen. 27:1-29). In
fact, Jacob's name means "deceiver." Numerous times he used his
cleverness to avoid others' boundaries.
The event that helped Jacob work out of his manipulative
boundarylessness was his confrontation with God in human form
(Gen. 32:24-32). God "wrestled" with him all night long and then58 What Are Boundaries?
changed his name to Israel. The word Israel means "he who fights
with God." God left Jacob with a dislocated thigh.
And Jacob changed. He became less deceitful and more honest.
His aggressiveness was clearer, as evidenced by his new name. He
was owning his feistiness. Only when the manipulative controller
is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it,
repent of it, and accept his and others' limits.
Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they brush
aside their own self-centeredness. They are like the adulterous
woman in Proverbs: "She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've
done nothing wrong'" (30:20).
Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be control-
lers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive.
When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example,
they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving,
they'll receive love. So then they wait, anticipating the return of the
favor. And sometimes they wait for years. Especially if they per-
formed the favor for someone who can't read minds.
What's wrong with this picture? It's not a picture of love. The
love that God talks about doesn't seek a return on its investment:
"It is not self-seeking" (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that
they'll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling
someone else.If you've ever been on the "receiving" end of that kind
of maneuver, you'll understand. One minute you've taken the com-
pliment, or favor-the next minute you've hurt someone's feelings
by not figuring out the price tag attached.
Boundary Injuries
At this point, you might be saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. How
can controllers be called 'injured'? They are the injurers, not the
injured!" Indeed, controllers do lots of damage to others, but they
also have boundary problems. Let's see what goes on underneath.
Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to
curb their impulses or desires.While it appears that they "get what
they want in life," they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying
gratification is difficult for them. That's why they hate the word no
from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundar-
ies of others to help them observe their own.
Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility
for owning their lives.Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they
can't function on their own in the world. The only remedy is to let
controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.
Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of
fear, guilt, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel
loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the
only reason people spend time with them is because they are pull-
ing the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they
would be abandoned. And, at some deep level, they are aware of
their isolation. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out
fear" (1John 4:18). We can't terrorize or make others feel guilty and
be loved by them at the same time.
Nonresponsives:Not l-learing the Needs of Others
Brenda's hand trembled as she talked. "Usually I've got pretty thick
skin with Mike. But I guess the past couple of weeks of kid problems
and work stresses had me feeling very vulnerable. This time his re-
sponse didn't make me angry. It just hurt. And it hurt bad."
Brenda was recounting a recent marital struggle. Overall, she
thought her marriage to Mike was a good one. He was a good pro-
vider, an active Christian, and a competent father. Yet the relation-
ship allowed no room for her hurts or needs.
The incident Brenda was discussing began in a fairly benign
manner. She and Mike were talking in the bedroom after putting
the kids to bed. Brenda began to unburden her fears about child
rearing and her feelings of inadequacy at work.
Without warning, Mike turned to her and said, "If you don't like
the way you feel, change your feelings. Life's tough. So just ... just
handle it, Brenda."
Brenda was devastated. She felt she should have expected the
rebuff. It wasn't that easy to express her neediness in the first place,
especially with Mike's coldness. Now she felt as if he had chopped60 What Are Boundaries?
her feelings to bits. He seemed to have no understanding whatsoever
of her struggles-and didn't want to.
How could this be a boundary problem? Isn't it just basic in-
sensitivity? Partially. But it's not quite that simple. Remember that
boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what
we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn't take on the
responsibility of others' feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do
have certain responsibilities to each other.
Mike does have a responsibility to connect with Brenda, not
only as a provider and as a parenting partner, but also as a loving
husband. Connecting emotionally with Brenda is part of loving her
as himself (Eph. 5:28, 33). He isn't responsible for her emotional
well-being. But he is responsible to her. His inability to respond to
her needs is a neglect of his responsibility.
Termed "nonresponsives" because of their lack of attention to
the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite
of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV}: "Do not withhold
good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do
it" (that last phrase, "in your power," has to do with our resources
and availability). Another key Scripture here is "If it is possible, so
far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Rom. 12:18 NRSV).
Again, note the condition: "so far as it depends on you": we can't
bring peace to someone who doesn't accept it!
Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsi-
ble to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God
places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate
resources can be a boundary conflict.
Nonresponsives fall into one of two groups:
1. Those with a critical spirit toward others' needs (a projection
of our own hatred of our needs onto others, a problem Jesus ad-
dressed in Matthew 7:1-5). They hate being incomplete in them-
selves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.
2. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs
they exclude others (a form of narcissism).
Don't confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of tak-
ing responsibility for one's own needs first so that one is able to love
others: "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests,
but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4). God wants us to take
care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a
crisis ourselves.
Controllers and Nonresponsives
Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past them-
selves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on
the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward
someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too
many responsibilities in the relationship and who won't complain
about it. It's like the old joke about relationships: What happens
when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive
person? Answer: they get married!
Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for
someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out
of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a con-
trolling nonresponsive? And controlling nonresponsives search for
someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a
compliant avoidant?
Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems.
1 It will
help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which you may
struggle.
Summary
of Boundary Problems
CAN'T SAY CAN'T 1-li:;:AR
NO The Compliant Feels
guilty and/or
controlled by others;
ca tsetboundaries
The Controller
Aggressively or
manipulatively
violates boundari
es of
others
YES The Nonresponsive
Sets boundaries
against responsibility
to love
The Avoidant Sets
boundaries against
receiving care
of others62 What Are Boundaries?
Functional and Relational Boundary Issues
A final boundary problem involves the distinction between func-
tional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries refers to a
person's ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do
with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning. Relational
boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom
we are in relationship.
Another way of looking at it is that functional boundaries refer
to our "Martha" parts, and relational, our "Mary" parts (Luke
10:38-42). Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. Martha pre-
pared dinner, while Mary sat at Jesus' feet. When Martha com-
plained about Mary's not helping her, Jesus said: "Mary has chosen
what is better" (v. 42). He didn't mean that Martha's busyness was
bad; it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Many people have good functional boundaries, but poor rela-
tional ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of
competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don't
like their chronic lateness. The reverse can also be true.Some people
can be absolutely honest with others about their complaints and
dislikes but be unable to get up for work in the morning!
We've taken a look at the different categories of boundaries. But how
do you develop boundaries? Why do some people seem to have natu-
ral boundaries and others have no boundaries at all? As with many
things, it has a lot to do with the family in which you grew up.
Today we are walking in: Boundary Problems
2 Samuel 22:37
Thou hast enlarged H7337 my steps under me; so that my feet did not slip.
ENLARGE
Today we look to the word-ENLARGE-H7337 rachab--to be or grow wide, be or grow large; to be widened, be enlarged
The Torah testifies...............
Deuteronomy 19:8
And if the LORD thy God enlarge H7337 thy coast, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers, and give thee all the land which he promised to give unto thy fathers;
The prophets proclaim..................
Isaiah 54:2
Enlarge H7337 the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
The writings bear witness...........................
Psalm 119:32
I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge H7337 my heart.
Boundary Problems
Following a day-long seminar that we were leading on biblical
boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, "I understand
that I have boundary problems. But my estranged husband's the
One who had an affair and took all our money. Doesn't he have a
Problem with boundaries?"
It's easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it seems
as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the one who
has the boundary problem; however, people who don't respect oth-
ers' limits also have boundary problems. The woman above may
have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her husband hasn't
respected her limits.
In this chapter, we'll categorize the main types of boundary prob-
lems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your thoughts.
You'll see that boundary conflicts are by no means limited to those
who "can't say no."
Compliants:Saying "Yes" to the Bad
"May I tell you something embarrassing?" Robert asked me. A new
client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much dif-
ficulty refusing his wife's constant demands. He was going broke
trying to keep up with the Joneses.
"I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children.
There was a strange double standard in my house involving physi-
cal fighting." Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. "My
sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth
grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They'd take advantage of
their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean,
they really hurt me.
"The strangest part of it all was my parents' attitude. They'd tell
us, 'Robert is the boy. Boys don't hit girls. It's bad manners.' Bad
manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad
manners?" Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing,
but he'd said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his
conflicts with his wife.
When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying
no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as
they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world
that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipula-
tive, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.
To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the
power to say things like:
• "No."
• "I disagree.''
• "I will not."
• "I choose not to."
• "Stop that."
• "It hurts."
• "It's wrong."
• "That's bad.''
• "I don't like it when you touch me there."
Blocking a child's ability to say no handicaps that child for life.
Adults with handicaps like Robert's have this first boundary injury:
they say yes to bad things.
This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant
people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they "melt" into the
demands and needs of other people. They can't stand alone, distinct
from people who want something from them. Compliants, for ex-
ample, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends
do "just to get along." They minimize their differences with others
so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while
it's hard to distinguish them from their environment.
The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it
keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from rec-
ognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they're
in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emo-
tional "radar" is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts
(Prov. 4:23).
This type of boundary problem paralyzes people's no muscles.
Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word
catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different
reasons:
• Fear of hurting the other person's feelings
• Fear of abandonment and separateness
• A wish to be totally dependent on another
• Fear of someone else's anger
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of being shamed
• Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
• Fear of being unspiritual
• Fear of one's overstrict, critical conscience
This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have
an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things
God himself doesn't condemn them for. As Paul says, "Since their
conscience is weak, it is defiled" (1 Cor. 8:7}. Afraid to confront
their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate
boundaries.
When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a
harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience
translates into an inability to confront others-a saying yes to the
bad-because it would cause more guilt.54 What Are Boundaries?
Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of
compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires "compassion, and
not sacrifice" (NASB). In other words, God wants us to be compli-
ant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the out-
side and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too
many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but
because they are afraid.
Avoidants: Saying "No" to the Good
The living room suddenly became very quiet. The Bible study group
that had been meeting at the Craigs' house for six months had sud-
denly become more intimate. Tonight the five couples began to share
real struggles in their lives, not just the usual "please pray for Aunt
Sarah" requests. Tears were shed, and genuine support, not just
well-meaning advice, was offered. Everyone, except the hostess, Ra-
chel Henderson, had taken a turn talking.
Rachel had been the driving force behind the formation of the
Bible study. She and her husband, Joe, had developed the format,
invited the other couples, and opened up their home to the study.
Caught up in her leadership role, however, Rachel never opened up
about her struggles. She shied away from such opportunities, prefer-
ring instead to help draw out others. Tonight the others waited.
Rachel cleared her throat. Looking around the room, she finally
spoke, "After hearing all the other problems in the room, I think
the Lord's speaking to me. He seems to be saying that my issues
are nothing compared to what you all deal with. It would be self-
ish to take up time with the little struggles I face. So ... who'd like
dessert?"
No one spoke. But disappointment was evident on each face.
Rachel had again avoided an opportunity for others to love her as
they'd been loved by her.
This boundary problem is called avoidance: saying no to the
good. It's the inability to ask for help, to recognize one's own needs,
to let others in. Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do
not ask for the support of others.
Why is avoidance a boundary problem? At the heart of the strug-
gle is a confusion of boundaries as walls. Boundaries are supposed
to be able to "breathe," to be like fences with a gate that can let the
good in and the bad out. Individuals with walls for boundaries can
let in neither bad nor good. No one touches them.
God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should
have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destruc-
tive ones. God even allows us the freedom to let him in or to close
him off:
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears
my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him,
and he with me." (Rev. 3:20)
God has no interest in violating our boundaries so that he can
relate to us. He understands that this would cause injuries of trust.
It is our responsibility to open up to him in need and repentance.
Yet, for avoidants, opening up to both God and people is almost
impossible.
The impermeable boundaries of avoidants cause a rigidity to-
ward their God-given needs. They experience their problems and
legitimate wants as something bad, destructive, or shameful.
Some people, like Marti, are both compliants and avoidants. In
a recent session, Marti laughed ruefully at herself. "I'm beginning
to see a pattern here. When someone needs four hours with me, I
can't say no. When I need someone for ten minutes, I can't ask for
it. Isn't there a transistor in my head that I can replace?"
Marti's dilemma is shared by many adults. She says "yes" to the
bad (compliant} and says "no" to the good (avoidant}. Individuals
who have both boundary conflicts not only cannot refuse evil, they
are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others.
They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, but with nothing to
replace the lost energy.
Compliant avoidants suffer from what is called "reversed bound-
aries." They have no boundaries where they need them, and they
have boundaries where they shouldn't have them.56 What Are Boundaries?
Controllers:Not Respecting Others' Boundaries
"What do you mean, you're quitting? You can't leave now!" Steve
looked across his desk at his administrative assistant. Frank had
been working for Steve for several years and was finally fed up. He
had given his all to the position, but Steve didn't know when to
back off.
Time after time, Steve would insist on Frank's spending unpaid
time at the office on important projects. Frank had even switched
his vacation schedule twice at Steve's insistence. But the final straw
was when Steve began calling Frank at home. An occasional call at
home Frank could understand. But almost every day, during dinner-
time, the family would wait while Frank had a telephone conference
with his boss.
Several times Frank had tried to talk with Steve about the time
violations. But Steve never really understood how burned out Frank
was. After all, he needed Frank. Frank made him look successful.
And it was so easy to get him to work harder.
Steve has a problem hearing and accepting others boundaries. To
Steve, no is simply a challenge to change the other person's mind.
This boundary problem is called control. Controllers can't respect
others' limits. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives,
so they need to control others.
Controllers believe the old jokes about training top sales people:
no means maybe, and maybe means yes. While this may be pro-
ductive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc in a re-
lationship. Controllers are perceived as bullies, manipulative and
aggress1ve.
The primary problem of individuals who can't hear no-which
is different from not being able to say no-is that they tend to
project responsibility for their lives onto others. They use various
means of control to motivate others to carry the load intended by
God to be theirs alone.
Remember the "boulder and knapsack" illustration in chapter 2?
Controllers look for someone to carry their knapsacks (individual
responsibilities) in addition to their boulders (crises and crushing
burdens). Had Steve shouldered the weight of his own job, Frank
would have been happy to pitch in extra hours from time to time.
But the pressure of covering for Steve's irresponsibility made a tal-
ented professional look elsewhere for work.
Controllers come in two types:
1. Aggressive controllers. These people clearly don't listen to
others' boundaries. They run over other people's fences like a tank.
They are sometimes verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive.
But most of the time they simply aren't aware that others even have
boundaries. It's as if they live in a world of yes. There's no place for
someone else's no. They attempt to get others to change, to make
the world fit their idea of the way life should be. They neglect their
own responsibility to accept others as they are.
Peter is an example of an aggressive controller. Jesus was telling
the disciples about his upcoming suffering, death, and resurrection.
Peter took Jesus aside and began to rebuke him. But Jesus rebuked
Peter, saying, "Get behind me, Satan! You do not have in mind the
things of God, but the things of men" (Mark 8:33).
Peter didn't want to accept the Lord's boundaries. Jesus immedi-
ately confronted Peter's violation of his boundaries.
2. Manipulative controllers.Less honest than the aggressive con-
trollers, manipulators try to persuade people out of their boundaries.
They talk others into yes. They indirectly manipulate circumstances
to get their way. They seduce others into carrying their burdens.
They use guilt messages.
Remember how Tom Sawyer tricked his playmates into white-
washing the fence for him? He made it seem like such a privilege
that kids were lined up to paint!
Isaac's son Jacob finagled his twin brother Esau into giving up
his birthright (Gen. 25:29-34) and, with his mother's help, deceived
his father into bestowing Esau's blessing on him (Gen. 27:1-29). In
fact, Jacob's name means "deceiver." Numerous times he used his
cleverness to avoid others' boundaries.
The event that helped Jacob work out of his manipulative
boundarylessness was his confrontation with God in human form
(Gen. 32:24-32). God "wrestled" with him all night long and then58 What Are Boundaries?
changed his name to Israel. The word Israel means "he who fights
with God." God left Jacob with a dislocated thigh.
And Jacob changed. He became less deceitful and more honest.
His aggressiveness was clearer, as evidenced by his new name. He
was owning his feistiness. Only when the manipulative controller
is confronted with his dishonesty can he take responsibility for it,
repent of it, and accept his and others' limits.
Manipulators deny their desires to control others; they brush
aside their own self-centeredness. They are like the adulterous
woman in Proverbs: "She eats and wipes her mouth and says, 'I've
done nothing wrong'" (30:20).
Believe it or not, compliants and avoidants can also be control-
lers. They tend, however, to be more manipulative than aggressive.
When compliant avoidants need emotional support, for example,
they may do a favor for a friend. They hope that by being loving,
they'll receive love. So then they wait, anticipating the return of the
favor. And sometimes they wait for years. Especially if they per-
formed the favor for someone who can't read minds.
What's wrong with this picture? It's not a picture of love. The
love that God talks about doesn't seek a return on its investment:
"It is not self-seeking" (1 Cor. 13:5). Caring for someone so that
they'll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling
someone else.If you've ever been on the "receiving" end of that kind
of maneuver, you'll understand. One minute you've taken the com-
pliment, or favor-the next minute you've hurt someone's feelings
by not figuring out the price tag attached.
Boundary Injuries
At this point, you might be saying to yourself, "Wait a minute. How
can controllers be called 'injured'? They are the injurers, not the
injured!" Indeed, controllers do lots of damage to others, but they
also have boundary problems. Let's see what goes on underneath.
Controllers are undisciplined people. They have little ability to
curb their impulses or desires.While it appears that they "get what
they want in life," they are still slaves to their appetites. Delaying
gratification is difficult for them. That's why they hate the word no
from others. They desperately need to learn to listen to the boundar-
ies of others to help them observe their own.
Controllers also are limited in their ability to take responsibility
for owning their lives.Having relied on bullying or indirectness, they
can't function on their own in the world. The only remedy is to let
controllers experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.
Finally, controllers are isolated. People stay with them out of
fear, guilt, or dependency. If they're honest, controllers rarely feel
loved. Why? Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the
only reason people spend time with them is because they are pull-
ing the strings. If they stopped threatening or manipulating, they
would be abandoned. And, at some deep level, they are aware of
their isolation. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out
fear" (1John 4:18). We can't terrorize or make others feel guilty and
be loved by them at the same time.
Nonresponsives:Not l-learing the Needs of Others
Brenda's hand trembled as she talked. "Usually I've got pretty thick
skin with Mike. But I guess the past couple of weeks of kid problems
and work stresses had me feeling very vulnerable. This time his re-
sponse didn't make me angry. It just hurt. And it hurt bad."
Brenda was recounting a recent marital struggle. Overall, she
thought her marriage to Mike was a good one. He was a good pro-
vider, an active Christian, and a competent father. Yet the relation-
ship allowed no room for her hurts or needs.
The incident Brenda was discussing began in a fairly benign
manner. She and Mike were talking in the bedroom after putting
the kids to bed. Brenda began to unburden her fears about child
rearing and her feelings of inadequacy at work.
Without warning, Mike turned to her and said, "If you don't like
the way you feel, change your feelings. Life's tough. So just ... just
handle it, Brenda."
Brenda was devastated. She felt she should have expected the
rebuff. It wasn't that easy to express her neediness in the first place,
especially with Mike's coldness. Now she felt as if he had chopped60 What Are Boundaries?
her feelings to bits. He seemed to have no understanding whatsoever
of her struggles-and didn't want to.
How could this be a boundary problem? Isn't it just basic in-
sensitivity? Partially. But it's not quite that simple. Remember that
boundaries are a way to describe our spheres of responsibility: what
we are and are not responsible for. While we shouldn't take on the
responsibility of others' feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, we do
have certain responsibilities to each other.
Mike does have a responsibility to connect with Brenda, not
only as a provider and as a parenting partner, but also as a loving
husband. Connecting emotionally with Brenda is part of loving her
as himself (Eph. 5:28, 33). He isn't responsible for her emotional
well-being. But he is responsible to her. His inability to respond to
her needs is a neglect of his responsibility.
Termed "nonresponsives" because of their lack of attention to
the responsibilities of love, these individuals exhibit the opposite
of the pattern exhorted in Proverbs 3:27 (NRSV}: "Do not withhold
good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do
it" (that last phrase, "in your power," has to do with our resources
and availability). Another key Scripture here is "If it is possible, so
far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Rom. 12:18 NRSV).
Again, note the condition: "so far as it depends on you": we can't
bring peace to someone who doesn't accept it!
Both of the above verses indicate the same idea: we are responsi-
ble to care about and help, within certain limits, others whom God
places in our lives. To refuse to do so when we have the appropriate
resources can be a boundary conflict.
Nonresponsives fall into one of two groups:
1. Those with a critical spirit toward others' needs (a projection
of our own hatred of our needs onto others, a problem Jesus ad-
dressed in Matthew 7:1-5). They hate being incomplete in them-
selves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.
2. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs
they exclude others (a form of narcissism).
Don't confuse this self-absorption with a God-given sense of tak-
ing responsibility for one's own needs first so that one is able to love
others: "Do not merely look out for your own personal interests,
but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4). God wants us to take
care of ourselves so that we can help others without moving into a
crisis ourselves.
Controllers and Nonresponsives
Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past them-
selves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on
the lookout for someone to take care of them. They gravitate toward
someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally take on too
many responsibilities in the relationship and who won't complain
about it. It's like the old joke about relationships: What happens
when a rescuing, enabling person meets a controlling, insensitive
person? Answer: they get married!
Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for
someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them out
of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than a con-
trolling nonresponsive? And controlling nonresponsives search for
someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who better than a
compliant avoidant?
Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems.
1 It will
help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which you may
struggle.
Summary
of Boundary Problems
CAN'T SAY CAN'T 1-li:;:AR
NO The Compliant Feels
guilty and/or
controlled by others;
ca tsetboundaries
The Controller
Aggressively or
manipulatively
violates boundari
es of
others
YES The Nonresponsive
Sets boundaries
against responsibility
to love
The Avoidant Sets
boundaries against
receiving care
of others62 What Are Boundaries?
Functional and Relational Boundary Issues
A final boundary problem involves the distinction between func-
tional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries refers to a
person's ability to complete a task, project, or job. It has to do
with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning. Relational
boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom
we are in relationship.
Another way of looking at it is that functional boundaries refer
to our "Martha" parts, and relational, our "Mary" parts (Luke
10:38-42). Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus. Martha pre-
pared dinner, while Mary sat at Jesus' feet. When Martha com-
plained about Mary's not helping her, Jesus said: "Mary has chosen
what is better" (v. 42). He didn't mean that Martha's busyness was
bad; it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Many people have good functional boundaries, but poor rela-
tional ones; that is, they can perform tasks at quite high levels of
competence, but they may not be able to tell a friend that they don't
like their chronic lateness. The reverse can also be true.Some people
can be absolutely honest with others about their complaints and
dislikes but be unable to get up for work in the morning!
We've taken a look at the different categories of boundaries. But how
do you develop boundaries? Why do some people seem to have natu-
ral boundaries and others have no boundaries at all? As with many
things, it has a lot to do with the family in which you grew up.
OMER WEEK 7- DAY 45
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 45 ― Tiferet of Malchut: Compassion in Nobility
Ephesians 6:10-13
A good leader is a compassionate one. Is my compassion compromised because of my authority? Do I realize that an integral part of dignity is compassion? Tiferet ― harmony ― is critical for successful leadership. Do I manage a smooth-running operation? Am I organized? Do I give clear instructions to my subordinates? Do I have difficulty delegating power? Do we have frequent staff meetings to coordinate our goals and efforts?
Exercise for the day: Review an area where you wield authority and see if you can polish it up and increase its effectiveness by curtailing excesses and consolidating forces.
א ALEPH
1 Blessed are the undefiled in the way,
Who walk in the law of the Lord!
2 Blessed are those who keep His testimonies,
Who seek Him with the whole heart!
3 They also do no iniquity;
They walk in His ways.
4 You have commanded us
To keep Your precepts diligently.
5 Oh, that my ways were directed
To keep Your statutes!
6 Then I would not be ashamed,
When I look into all Your commandments.
7 I will praise You with uprightness of heart,
When I learn Your righteous judgments.
8 I will keep Your statutes;
Oh, do not forsake me utterly!
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 45 ― Tiferet of Malchut: Compassion in Nobility
Ephesians 6:10-13
A good leader is a compassionate one. Is my compassion compromised because of my authority? Do I realize that an integral part of dignity is compassion? Tiferet ― harmony ― is critical for successful leadership. Do I manage a smooth-running operation? Am I organized? Do I give clear instructions to my subordinates? Do I have difficulty delegating power? Do we have frequent staff meetings to coordinate our goals and efforts?
Exercise for the day: Review an area where you wield authority and see if you can polish it up and increase its effectiveness by curtailing excesses and consolidating forces.
א ALEPH
1 Blessed are the undefiled in the way,
Who walk in the law of the Lord!
2 Blessed are those who keep His testimonies,
Who seek Him with the whole heart!
3 They also do no iniquity;
They walk in His ways.
4 You have commanded us
To keep Your precepts diligently.
5 Oh, that my ways were directed
To keep Your statutes!
6 Then I would not be ashamed,
When I look into all Your commandments.
7 I will praise You with uprightness of heart,
When I learn Your righteous judgments.
8 I will keep Your statutes;
Oh, do not forsake me utterly!
Sunday, May 25, 2025
OMER WEEK 7- DAY 44
With the mitzvah of counting the 49 days, known as Sefirat Ha'Omer, the Torah invites us on a journey into the human psyche, into the soul. There are seven basic emotions that make up the spectrum of human experience. At the root of all forms of enslavement, is a distortion of these emotions. Each of the seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot is dedicated to examining and refining one of them.
The seven emotional attributes are:
Chesed ― Loving-kindness
Gevurah ― Justice and discipline
Tiferet ― Harmony, compassion
Netzach ― Endurance
Hod ― Humility
Yesod ― Bonding
Malchut ― Sovereignty, leadership
The seven weeks, which represent these emotional attributes, further divide into seven days making up the 49 days of the counting. Since a fully functional emotion is multidimensional, it includes within itself a blend of all seven attributes. Thus, the counting of the first week, which begins on the second night of Pesach, as well as consisting of the actual counting ("Today is day one of the Omer...") would consist of the following structure with suggested meditations:
Upon conclusion of the 49 days we arrive at the 50th day ― Mattan Torah. After we have achieved all we can accomplish through our own initiative, traversing and refining every emotional corner of our psyche, we then receive a gift ('mattan' in Hebrew) from above. We receive that which we could not achieve with our own limited faculties. We receive the gift of true freedom ― the ability to transcend our human limitations and touch the divine.
________________________________
WEEK 7 ― MALCHUT ― SOVEREIGNTY, LEADERSHIP
During the seventh and final week of counting the Omer, we examine and refine the attribute of Malchut ― nobility, sovereignty and leadership. Sovereignty is a state of being rather than an activity. Nobility is a passive expression of human dignity that has nothing of its own except that which it receives from the other six emotions. True leadership is the art of selflessness; it is only a reflection of a Higher will. On the other hand, Malchut manifests and actualizes the character and majesty of the human spirit. It is the very fiber of what makes us human.
Malchut is a sense of belonging. Knowing that you matter and that you make a difference. That you have the ability to be a proficient leader in your own right. It gives you independence and confidence. A feeling of certainty and authority. When a mother lovingly cradles her child in her arms and the child's eyes meet the mother's affectionate eyes, the child receives the message: "I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart." This is Malchut, kingship.
Day 44 ― Gevurah of Malchut: Discipline in Nobility
Although sovereignty is loving, it needs to be balanced with discipline. Effective leadership is built on authority and discipline. There is another factor in the discipline of sovereignty: determining the area in which you have jurisdiction and authority.
Do I recognize when I am not an authority? Do I exercise authority in unwarranted situations? Am I aware of my limitations as well as my strengths? Do I respect the authority of others?
Exercise for the day: Before taking an authoritative position on any given issue, pause and reflect if you have the right and the ability to exercise authority in this situation.
ת TAU
169 Let my cry come before You, O Lord;
Give me understanding according to Your word.
170 Let my supplication come before You;
Deliver me according to Your word.
171 My lips shall utter praise,
For You teach me Your statutes.
172 My tongue shall speak of Your word,
For all Your commandments are righteousness.
173 Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
174 I long for Your salvation, O Lord,
And Your law is my delight.
175 Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
176 I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,For I do not forget Your commandments.
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