UNDERSTANDING THE WOMAN'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Genesis chapter 2




Today we are walking in: Understanding The Woman's Emotional Needs




Today we look to the word LOVE --H157 - 'ahab --a primitive root; to have affection for:—be loved, lovely, like, friend.






The Torah testifies.........……




Exodus 20:6

And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love H157 me, and keep my commandments.




Deuteronomy 6:5

And thou shalt love H157 the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.









The prophets proclaim..................




Joshua 23:11

Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love H157 the Lord your God.





Micah 6:8

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love H157 mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?











The writings bear witness............




Proverbs 17: 9

He that covereth a transgression seeketh love H157; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.











Did you know that a woman has twice as many nerve endings in her skin as a man does? Because her nerves are more numerous; they are also more susceptible to being “strained.” Her skin is almost literally wired to receive a loving husband’s touches of affection to soothe her frayed nerves and calm her emotions.




This physiological fact highlights the theme for this chapter: a woman’s emotional and sexual needs are different from a man’s by design. I want the idea of Yah’s purpose and design to permeate your thinking about the relationship between females and males, because it is such a fundamental principle, has so many applications, and is crucial to understanding the differences between them.




Here are some of the major differences between men and women:





Women tend to take things to heart; men tend to take things impersonally.


In material things, women tend to look at the goals; men want to know how to get there.


In spiritual or intangible things, the opposite is true. Men look at the goals; women want to know how to get there.


Women are like computers; their minds keep processing in the background until a problem is solved. Men are like filing cabinets. They take problems, put them in the file, and close the drawer.


A woman’s home is an extension of her personality; a man’s job is an extension of his personality.


Women have a great need for security and roots; men can be nomadic.


Women tend to be guilt-prone; men tend to be resentful.


Women are constantly changing; men level off and stay the same.


Women tend to become involved with things more easily and more quickly; men tend to stand back and evaluate.




Considering these differences, in addition to the others we’ve discussed throughout this series, we shouldn’t wonder why men and women have misunderstandings and conflicts in their relationships!




Remember one of our primary principles? Purpose determines design (or nature), and design determines needs. The above differences are related to the specific designs of women and men. Their designs, in turn, determine the needs of each that need to be met in order for them to be fulfilled, contented, and living in Yah’s creation purposes.




The problem is that many people are not fully aware of their own needs, let alone the needs of others. Over the past twenty years, I have been counseling couples, and the greatest problem I have seen is that husbands and wives don’t know that the needs of their spouses are different from their own.




Even when people are aware of their needs, they often live in frustration because their needs are not being met. They end up demanding that another person satisfy them or they suffer in silence, never expecting to live a completely fulfilled life.




In this teaching, I want to highlight three paramount needs of females and males that contribute to a fulfilling relationship. It is important for us to keep these needs centrally in mind as we interact with our spouses and others with whom we are in relationship. As we come to understand ourselves and others better, and how we can help to meet others’ needs, our hearts and minds will be renewed and more of Yah’s creation purposes will be restored to our lives.




Women and men must understand that fulfillment can come only when they work together to address one another’s needs. In this endeavour, Yahushas’ great principle, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), is vital. As you give, meeting the needs of others, you will be blessed, and many of your own needs will be met in turn. Giving to others by satisfying their needs- not demanding to have your own needs satisfied- will bring true fulfillment.




A woman doesn’t just want love, she truly needs it by design.




Some of the ideas in this teaching we have discussed in other contexts, while other ideas are new. We must allow these principles to permeate our understanding so that they will become part of our lives. Please keep in mind that the needs that are listed as female needs and the needs that are listed as male needs are also the needs of both. However, in this teaching they will be discussed in the context of the primary needs of each. If we can learn and apply the following principles, we will go a long way to healing broken lives, promoting understanding, and developing strong relationships between women and men.




The Woman Needs Love




The primary need of the female-man is love. We have learned that the woman was designed to receive love. This truth is so central to a woman’s emotional needs that if it is the only one that men make a vast difference in women’s lives- and consequently in their own.




A woman doesn’t just want love, she truly needs it by design. This is why a man can give her a house and expensive gifts and she will still not feel satisfied. The man will say, “What’s wrong with you? I can’t do anything to please you. I’m giving you all these things, and you’re still unhappy.” She will answer, “It is not this mink coat or this house that I really want. I want you. I want you to tell me I’m important and special and unique to you, and that I am everything you’ve been dreaming of. I want you to tell me you love me.”




You can’t replace love. To love means to cherish, to care for, and to show affection. Cherishing a woman doesn’t mean buying her expensive presents; it means calling her several times a day and telling her that you love her.




Caring means that you go out of your way to make sure that she has everything she needs. It means dropping everything you’re doing just to make certain she is all right. Love doesn’t say, “I’m busy right now. I’ll talk to you later.” Caring is making other people wait while you meet the needs of your wife.




Affection is the environment in which to grow a wonderful marriage. A woman’s need for affection can be met with plenty of hugs and kisses; a steady flow of words, cards, and flowers; common courtesies; and meaningful gifts that show the man is thinking of her, esteems her, and values her presence in his life.




A man can also meet a woman’s need for love by providing her with financial security. This will make her feel cared for and protected. In addition, when a man spends time with a woman, it makes her feel loved because she knows she comes first in his life.




Balancing financial provision and quality time with his wife often creates the greatest challenge for a man because providing for his wife usually requires that he be away from her while he is at his workplace. However, when a man spends many hours’ overtime at his job trying to “get ahead” but neglects his wife (and family), she will not feel loved, even though they may have millions of dollars in the bank.




If a woman is single, receiving love is still her greatest need. She also needs affirmation and companionship of men. It is the way she is designed. Fathers, uncles, brothers, and male friends can recognize a single woman’s need and show brotherly love by acts of kindness, companionship, and assistance during life’s difficulties.




A Man Needs Honor




Because the female’s primary need is for love, she often thinks that the male’s primary need is for love, also. He needs love, but he has a need that is even greater than that.




As much as a woman needs to feel she is loved, a man needs to know he is honored.




If a female expresses love to a male, without fulfilling this other need, he might not respond in the way she expects him to. He might remain somewhat distant. For example, a woman may wonder why her husband doesn’t seem satisfied in the relationship when she has been lovingly trying to help him by keeping the household running smoothly and providing for his material needs. A woman might even write her husband love notes and give him lots of affection, but notice that he still doesn’t seem happy. She wonders, “What else can I do for this man?”




Yet a male feels about those things in the same way that a female feels about the male’s provision of a house. He is grateful that his material and emotional needs are being taken care of, and he appreciates his wife’s efforts. However, these things don’t address his primary need.




As much as a woman needs to feel that she is loved, a man needs to know that he is honored. Being honored is at the core of his self-esteem, and it affects every other area of his life. “Each one of you [husbands] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must honor her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).




A woman can meet a man’s need for admiration and honor by understanding his value and achievements more than anyone else. She needs to remind him of his capabilities and help him to maintain his self-confidence. She should be proud of her husband, not out of duty, but as an expression of sincere admiration for the man with whom she has chosen to share her life.




Paralleling the situation of the single woman, a single man needs honor as much as a married man does. He needs the honor and affirmation of women because he is designed to need it. The women in a single man’s life can meet his needs by recognizing his value and accomplishments as a man and by encouraging him in his talents and life work.




A husband is to love and cherish his wife. A wife is to respect and honor her husband. In this way there will be a constant meeting of the other’s primary needs.




What Do I Do in the Meantime?




One of the problems a woman may face is that her husband doesn’t know he’s supposed to love her in the way I’ve just described. This is a very real problem. Even though a woman might be honoring and esteeming her husband, he might not be showing her love because he really doesn’t know how. Both men and women need to understand and meet each other’s needs. However, if the woman understands their needs but her spouse doesn’t, it is important that she have patience. She needs to respond to her husband according to what he knows.




If I know that a person is ignorant, I can’t be angry at them. Yahusha is the highest model of this for us. He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). The difficulty comes when you know that a person is aware of what he’s supposed to be doing but still doesn’t do it. In this case, some kind of reproof is necessary. Depending on the situation, a woman might appeal directly to her husband; or she might appeal to the pastor, a trusted Hebrew friend, or even a family member to speak to her husband for her. Yet her best appeal is to pray for her husband and allow The Most High to change him.




However, you can’t reprove an ignorant person. You can reprove a person who has knowledge, but you need to overlook the faults of a person who is ignorant. This will keep bitterness from taking over your heart. Avoid blaming the other person, live responsibility before Yah, and make sure you carry out your own responsibilities to your spouse. Trust Yah to teach your partner how to meet your needs.




The Woman Needs Conversation




In addition to love, a female needs conversation. She enjoys talking with others. This sounds so simple but it is a real need based on her nature. A woman needs to have a man talk with her. Notice that I said with her and not to her. Because males have a leadership mindset, sometimes their conversations with their wives amount to instructions rather than a give-and-take dialogue.




The man should always make a point to converse with the woman. Costly gifts doesn’t mean anything to a woman if the man just leaves them with her and then walks away. She’d rather have the conversation.




A man should show a desire to understand his wife, not change her.




The man can fulfill a woman’s need for intimate conversation by continually making a point to communicate with her. To truly meet her need, she should talk with her at the feeling level and not just the knowledge and information level. She needs him to listen to her attitudes about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest, and concern. All of his conversations with her should convey a desire to understand her, not change her. This means that he should not necessarily immediately try to solve her problems for her. He needs to resist the impulse to offer solutions and instead offer his full attention and understanding.




After giving her plenty of time to express her feelings , he should conduct his end of the conversation with courtesy and openness, looking her in the eyes and telling her what he really thinks and feels. He should share his plans and actions clearly and completely, because he regards himself as accountable to her, and ask for her input. This will enable her to trust him and feel secure.




Some men say, “What am I going to talk about with my wife?” They don’t realize that the woman has a need to express herself and therefore has much within her that she wants to share. A man can simply say, “What’s on your mind?” and she’ll usually have no problem carrying the conversation. All he has to say in response is, “Uh-huh. Oh, I see.” However, he has to make sure he is really listening!




A woman can create opportunities for conversing with her husband by developing an interest in his job, his activities, and his hobbies, such as sports, music, or computers. As much as the woman needs conversation, the man needs to share his interests with her. These related needs are a natural bridge of communication between them.




For example, if he’s in the middle of watching a ballgame, it would not be constructive to say, “Shut that thing off; I’m tired of this.” That won’t create an atmosphere for conversation but will usually cause tension. Instead, she can walk into the room in which he is watching television and say, with genuine interest, “Honey, they just caught that ball, and now they’re kicking it again. What are they doing that for?” The man will immediately start talking, because he likes to discuss his interests and pursuits.




Here is another illustration. If the woman goes into the room where the man is watching his favorite team compete and says, “I want to talk to you,” he will probably say, “Right after they finish this play.” When she comes back in a few minutes and says, “I said I want to talk to you,” he will answer, “Right after the next play.” This will likely continue throughout the entire game. Instead, a woman can say, “Sweetheart, I’d like to talk to you, but let’s watch this game together first. I want you to tell me everything about this game.” Now the woman has really succeeded, because the man is doing what he likes, but she has gotten him to talk about it, too. After the game, she will likely have his full attention in the matter about which she wanted to talk to him.




So, if women can get involved with men in their sport or any other interest they have, they can actually develop an atmosphere for conversation. Many women would truly be amazed at what would happen if they would learn to be interested in what their husbands are interested in.